May 27, 2007

Unemployeds...Let's hear from you

I really need to hear from other unemployeds around the world.

How do you deal with unemployment?

What are your means to cope with the boredom, mounting stress, self-depriciation, and social isolation?

I do need to hear from you in order to find better ways to tackle this issue.

Please e-mail me or leave a comment to reach me...

The dog is gone...

Last Saturday, we took the dog back to the shelter for good. Don't worry, here where I live, they do no perform euthanasia on dogs, never ever.

My wife and I have never had a pet, let along a dog. Although she was way more patient with the dog than me, I was losing my ground. I was stressful, and, worse of all, angry at the dog at all times. I could not take it anymore.

After leaving the dog at the pound, I was relieved tremendously. However, my wife cried all weekend. The good thing is we talked before we made the excruciating move. She understands my point of view though and I understand hers.

There are some facts that make it harder to have a dog that I realized later and then convinced my wife. First of all, the dog has a really bad shedding problem. It is beyond belief which forced us to clean up the entire house every weekend. After 5 mins later, the house is a mess again. It was relentless. Second, the dog had this biting and jumping habit for which we tried to train her with the guidance of the books we purchased to solve simple training problems. Obviously, all the time we spent training her did not work a bit.

Another problem was and is that the vets working at the shelter are so used to telling "white lies" to prospective dog adopters that it is impossible to get accurate info regarding the dog. They are afraid to tell the truth fearing that we might return the dog. However, by doing that they put enormous pressure on us, so when we reach our boiling point, it is too late to turn things around. For the shedding problem, all my questions were dismissed. As if it were a miniscule problem, there was no way to convince them that the problem causes a real trouble for us. On top of that, the vets have no idea what kind of dog they are giving away. As a result, they don't have anything to warn the adopters about the dog, like shedding, behavior that sort of things.

I am not blaming anyone for my deed. But, I can tell you this for sure that I won't be adopting a dog from shelters anymore. There is this sticky emotion attached to the dog. Whenever you have a problem with the dog, talking about the problem becomes a tabu or asking for more info replied with this stonewalled attitude as if it were a shame to ask such questions.

May 24, 2007

Hell

Yesterday was a day sent from the hell.

I woke up with en uneasy mood. Went out to a short walk with my wife who stayed longer at home in order to calm me down. After the walk, we took a short nap. That far it was going fine. Then she left for work. I stayed at home. I checked my e-mails. there was nothing worth reading; all junk. Then I started to fell tense again. It got worse around 2 PM when I felt hopeless and desperate. To get rid of the sticky feeling, I began to clean up the house and took a shower afterwards which seemed to work. Then I prepared a hearty lunch.

Then I received a text message saying that one of our family member, who was 94 years old and had been sick for a while, passed away. The feeling of desperation came back with full blast. I felt very sorry and sad all of a sudden. To avert my thoughts, I trained the pup and played with her a bit. She was ok. I took her to the pee spot several times knowing that she had to go. She did not. After a while, I got tired and tied her leash and stayed with her watching TV. A minute later, she was peeing right on the rug while looking straight at me. I calmly said NO and raised up from the couch which scared her and made her run while peeing all around, drawing circles on the leash. She peed all over the living room. Sadly, I lost it again. I beat her up quite badly.

It is evident that yesterday was not a pretty day for me.

*******

I feel like I am lacking way behind of people with whom I was friend in high school and in collage years who were now doing way better than me. I promised myself million times not to compare myself with others, but to no avail. Even the guys who were goofy years back now are the money makers of their home. I, on the other hand, sit all day long and figure out how not to lose my mind out of boredom and self-pitty. I feel worthless when I see that others have every reason to be proud of themselves.

I had a friend in the high school who was very shy, specially around girls, and goofy since he was not that smart at all. We, along with another buddy of us, prepared the university entrance exam. He could not make it for the first year. Anyway, years passed. With the help of his father he landed a good job. Then he changed. He changed so much that he did even invite me to his wedding. The way I learned that he got married was like a movie scene. I called him one day, and his mom picked up and told me that he got married and living at such and such address. I was shocked.

Well, like that, I lost most of my friends. I literally ran out of friends. Mostly because they did good things while I was whining about how my life sucks terribly. It still sucks.

********

I hope I can turn things around soon. I don't like what I am becoming. I want to breath, want to take a long, fresh, sweet breath. I want to smile more often and crack jokes. I want to be able to live my own life, to be proud of myself.

May 22, 2007

Waiting

I am still waiting for the NGO to decide on my application. Last week, they called to invite me to interviews. This week, I am waiting. Everyday I get a little down thinking that they won't call me again. Although, they told me that I would be called till this weekend, I am not keeping my expectations that high; you know in case.

To cheer myself up, I rented a DVD again, Team America this time. I had a good time watching it. Sadly, it is over, and I have to get back to the reality, which sucks terribly.

I cannot concentrate on anything nowadays. I tried to read articles in The New Yorker, but could not bring myself fully to finish whatever I am reading. I guess, I am focused, too much, on to the outcome of my job application. This waiting is killing me right now.

Other than that there is nothing worth mentioning. I exercise daily, listen to podcasts, and read as much as I can. Around 4 P.M. I settle in front of TV and watch it for an hour or so to kill time. Then my wife comes. We talk and go out for a walk. Come back, cook something and watch TV again before we go to bed.

Hope you guys are doing way better than me.

May 21, 2007

Now, I have a pet

After my trouble with the dog, I had a long talk with my wife. We discovered that I did not feel anything at all toward the dog while my wife can surely says that she loves the dog.

I realized that I am not letting my emotions go as far as anyone or anything is concerned rather than my wife. After the long talk, I decided to give it a try; try means "loving my pet".

So far it is working. I have been so turned inward that I am not letting anything slip in; no emotions, not even people. I gotta let go so as to be happy regardless of the conditions.

Speaking of conditions reminded me a friend of my wife who has been unemployed since the day she got married 8 months ago. By nature, she is depressed all the time. Now she is married but it does not do the trick, cause this time she has the problem of not being employed by any company. Every time we come together with them, I reassure myself that I really do not want to be like her. Although she is kinda right to feel depressed, she is not making any effort to make herself a little comfortable. I am almost sure that she will feel down even she finds a decent job.

Thank God I am not that depressed, so far at least.

I had a very busy week. I prepared for an interview took two days in a row. I did good at the first one so I was called in for the second one. In the second one, I had to take a written test, in English which is not my native language. I thought I did well, although I made one funny spelling mistake - I do need a spell checker at all times !!! - and forgot to add something into the text. Anyway, it went well regardless of my silly mistakes, which cost two-nights' sleeps but my wife tries assure me that it is gonna be ok. The office environment is nice since everybody speaks in English. I hope I get that job, that would make me very happy.

May 13, 2007

Depression

I changed my walking schedule today and went out early this morning. I had my iPod and had a good time; until I stepped back in.

I was greeted by the dog who had slept while I was out. I knew that she was going to pee, so I was getting ready to take her to the pee spot in the house. Just I was getting ready, she peed right on the tiles. I tried to stop her and caught her in the action which made everything worse; she stepped on her pee and began running in the house, leaving pee-drenched paw marks all around the house. Sadly, I lost it again, my temper and my tranquility after the nice, long walk.

I don't think I like having a pet right now. My wife insists on keeping her, but evidently, it is not fun for both the pup and me anymore. I have enormous stress mounting on my shoulder due to lack of employment. As a result, I am struggling to keep my morale high and it can be diminished just simply by cleaning up after the pup, several times a day. I am done with that, to be honest with you.

We thought that having a pup would help me to cope with the stress, yet the pup is the main stress source for me now. I am afraid my wife is going to fight back to keep the dog. She is at work all day, so it is me who has to take care of the pup all day.

*************

I just finished reading Self-Nonmedication, By BRUCE STUTZ on NY Times, online version. I was thinking to start anti-deprassant med. I feel depressed and angry all the time. However, after reading the personal account of Stutz, I am hesitant to swallow pills. Besides, I don't have health insurance now. So, it would be very expensive for me to buy meds for my wavy mood. Though, one incident struck me as noteworthy in the article when Stutz shares his intimate moments when he gets incensed over trivial mistakes and punishes himself severely. I do the same thing to my dog, physically, and to myself, mentally.

I am not sure whether medication is the answer when I still have the option of exercising outdoors and taking in as much sun as possible.

I am trying damn hard not to be angry and down, but it is so difficult.

For example, yesterday was Mother's day, right? What did I do? Nothing. I just stayed at home all day, waiting for my wife to return from the spa where she was spending time with her mother. My mom is long gone. My mother-in-law is at fight with me to get her daughter back. So, what do all this leave me to do? Nothing. While all my friends making plans for the day, I was sitting at home, doing nothing.

Wherever I turn, I am lack of something. No close friends. No family at all. No job. No promising prospects. In the middle of all this, I am still doing my best to find something positive. But, I have to say, I am getting tired and hopeless.

May 9, 2007

Mean Owners, Miserable Dogs

I have been training our dog for several things. First of all the basic obedience training, sit, come, down which has been going very well. Then comes to collar and walking with the leash exercises. That one also went pretty well.

However, I saw something very bothering in me, I have neither patience nor calmness embedded in my weak soul whatsoever.

The worst part of not having those two humanly virtues in me is that I beat my puppy as a result. I hit her hard and got so angry that I lose control.

Despite all the dog training books advising strongly against what I have done, I am doing it nonetheless.

I know all the facts that can be reminded to me. I know that whatever the dog does it is not because she wants to drive me crazy. She is just a pup doing her best to adjust us. But, apparently, the problem is severely with me. So much so that even I catch myself off guard when I lose my temper.

I feel like I am not cut out to be a dog owner, although I am very willing to teach her what to do and I accomplished great things with her so far, in a month. However, there comes a time when all of a sudden I go crazy over miniscule things and hit her and hit her and hit her again, unable to stop. Holly crap !!!

My wife knows this. She soothes me by not blaming either of us. She just asks me to be more patient, as much as I get. The problem is I think I am patient one moment, and in the next I simply become a different person who does not stand anything at all. What is all this?

Where is this avalanche of anger coming from? What kind of rage is nesting in me which scares the hell out of me?

The strange thing about my anger toward the poor dog is that right after I am done hurting her, I feel relieved. That is what is the scariest side of my anger. Why do I feel like that? Is it just a primitive way of releasing unused, idle condensed energy due to the circumstances I dwell on?

I kept promising myself again and again not to hit her again, never ever. A day passes without an incident. Then, on the second day, I come down on her so hard that I see her walking backwards whenever I come near her. I feel like an alcoholic who is promising not to put a drop of alcohol into his mouth, but cannot resist a day after and forget all about it.

What is the point, then, of having a pet when the pet wants to hide away from you?

I have been noticing an increase in my tantrums. While driving I yell at other drivers, swear pretty badly to the way they drive. Every time I sit in the driver seat, I have to calm myself down even before I turn the ignition key.

Is this all because I am still unemployed and miles away from any social interaction; if I have any of that mingling, I cannot help but feel looked down on and humiliated?

What have I become? I guess I became the person that I was so much afraid of becoming one. I should fix this. I am smart enough to take care of this problem. I cannot continue wasting my time like this, getting extremely mad on silly things. I should have let it go, instead. I can say it to myself that I am such a stupid tight ass. I have always taken life very seriously, despite the sense of humor I think I have. Well, sense of humor is not enough to make you a bearable person. Enough is enough, I should do something about my temper.

Am I alone on this?

May 7, 2007

Spring is here, at last

Thanks to the spring, now my allergy is on its full blast. Last Sunday, literally all of a sudden, I was hit by assault of runny nose and eyes and machine gun like sneeze avalanches.

I am on antihistaminic med which makes me very sleepy. The weather is gorgeous here, but I don't wanna go out in order not to trigger my allergy again.

My mother-in-law called me this morning, out of clear blue sky, and told me that she was on her way to our place. I was caught off guard thinking that it was a joke or something. She said she was serious and coming. I asked her why and she said she missed our morning talks; she was referring to the talks when we stayed at their place approx. 7 months ago, and now she wants to have a morning talk with me. Obviously, that was an excuse. She just wanted to drop by to mend things. She cannot control herself and wants make a move on everything whenever she thinks things must be fixed.

Well, sometimes you gotta leave things and people alone. I tried to turn her down, yet she insisted. Then I had to call my wife to stop my mother-in-law. I was not in the mood for having a chat with my MIL.

Since our return, we became her pass time activity. I have had enough though, and decided to keep a healthy distance in order not to cause an irreversible damage in our relationship.

May 3, 2007

Yes I did it...

...I watched Mission Impossible III. I am not proud of it since I don't like action movies. However, I got so bored that I had to find something that I usually don't do. Besides, I watch bad movies alone and good ones with my wife thus she does not miss anything worthy watching.

I gotta hand it to Philip Seymour Hoffman. He was the only reason I rented the MI III DVD. He performed perfectly again so much as to scare me the hell out. Just because of him, I can even go a step further to recommend the movie.

I guess the only good Tom Cruise movie is Born on Fourth of July. I may add the Rain Man as well despite the unforgettable fact that it was Dustin Hoffman's time to shine. Anyway, DVD helped me to kill approx. 3 hours.

I am very bored today. I ran out of pass time activities for this week. Naturally, I don't want to redo the things I already did. Tonight, we will go to Little Miss Sunshine on which we heard great reviews thus we have been waiting for it.

Fuck man, I am getting very hopeless for the fact that I am still unemployed. God damn it !!! It is getting embarrassing. I am having a very tough time to keep my morale up. Anyway, I am trying. I don't know what the hell is going to happen in the future; it better be something positive for God's sake. But, honestly, I wanna sleep better and have a good time on my off days, since I have abundance of off days; they all taste the same to me.

Job is just a little wish for me, am I asking too much?

May 2, 2007

Killing time

Usually I go to a park to get fresh air and shed my stress by walking and listening to This American Life podcasts. However, in my recent visits, I noticed something curious and kinda disturbing fact.

Lately, I am the only 30 something guy in the park left walking around. All others are mostly retirees who are taking their grandchildren to the park. Before, I was seeing a few people in my age group thinking that they might me unemployed too. That fact actually was lighting me up a bit for the fact that I was not the only unemployed bum in the world. Now, seemingly I am the only bum in the world.

Where have those other bums gone?

Did they find a job and live happily ever after? Do they drive pass by the park and see me still walking there and point their fingers at me and ask themselves "hey, I remember this guy, what is he still doing here?", or, do they actually visit the park only after the work hours for old times' sake? Is this why I don't see them anymore?

The funny thing is that I probably will to go to the same park again today. What a consistent bum I am...