Yet nothing changes
Well, not is very clear to me that I am not good at acquiring new friends and maintaining the old ones. I am sick and tired of trying and trying yet the result is always the same; I am an outcast. I truly do not know the magical balance of having friends, let alone close friends.
Yesterday was really depressing for me. I was literally ditched by my work "friends" and learned that my aunt preferred my in-laws in order to get in touch with her son doing his compulsory military duty where I live. Two incidents in one day was too much for me. I felt pushed aside again. Despite her own struggles at work, my wife is kind enough to listened my never-ending talk. Anyway, although now that I have a job and although that I am surrounded by lots of people at work I somehow managed to feel isolated. Despite my attempts to connect with them, I am failing again, that is for sure.
Last night I could not sleep well again, thinking many times the situation I am in. Whatever I do I cannot mend the damaged relationship with my family. Once did I have lots of friends, now I feel like a loser. While these saddening things happening to me, I am also losing my grip from myself too. If I search hard enough, I can find a spot in me that I deeply like and want to connect with it more. However, since I spend most of my time contemplating how to connect with others, I tend to forget to do same thing for myself.
My wife says the truth again, I have to learn how to deal with it and get along with myself. It is true that my family shrunk considerably and I have some problems with making new friends. Being sorry and angry all the time do not fix anything. I need myself more than anything. It seems like while this incidents crush my heart, there is something promising shaping slowly in me. The problem is I forget easily what I discovered. I forget my promises and the roads I mapped out for myself. I need to learn to be more stable.
As always, I need to be more proactive instead persistently of being stuck to this mood. I need myself to do that.
