Cold day

Yes it is really cold outside. Despite that, I went out and took a walk. This time I listened to This American Life's My Brilliant Plan podcast. It was pretty interesting.

Taking a 45-minute long walks truly help me to have a positive mood. Podcasts are also good remedy for boredom and self pity situations.

Job wise, I have been following couple of leads. No words on them yet but I am still keeping my spirit up, not all the time though.

I just finished reading an article in The New Yorker magazine on bratz and barbie dolls. What a tough toy market it is to be in. I can't believe the way Barbie is being marketed to young girls; showing that all the girls are shopping addicted brainless kinda creatures.

As a matter of fact that depiction is true, isn't it?

Well, who am I to judge those youngsters. :) Let them do whatever they like to do. It is a generation thing and every generation has its own quirks.

Other than that I am bored quite badly today once more. When the evening time settles, I feel worse. In the nights, I am ok again. Mornings are not bad actually, since I feel like a new, unexpected thing may happen. However, in the evenings I do realize that I am not gonna hear a god damn good news on that day, and this cycle goes on and on forever.

Family ties...my ass

Thanks to the enormous amount of time I have in my hand lately, I do nothing but think. Think about my past, think about me, think about the future, which is the scariest one of course.

Here is the overall picture of me; first of all, I have no family whatsoever. The only close person in my life is my wife, for that I am so grateful. Other than that, it is complete blank. It is really taken its tall on me because it was not like that before. I had a important role in my family, I was someone loved, called and missed. Now I am left alone.

Ye I get e-mails or occasional phone calls from my folks, however it is like a duty, not carries any slightest of intimacy. Conversations on the phones turned out to be exchanging reports about our lives. There is not any trace of feelings or bounds in our voices. That's really strange. My in-laws are way closer to me than my own family, or whatever is left from it.

I personally chose not to talk to my father anymore. After four marriages and 3 half brothers and sisters, I simply got tired and quit following him around with his new families. However, I did not choose to weaken my relations with the rest of my family. When I was out of the country, I called them more than they called me. But, when I came back, I got this cold welcome. The first night we came together after four straight years later, the main topic at the table was recent news. I was shocked. The second day it was worse. They simply ignored me and my wife. A couple times they asked us what we did abroad, but mostly they talked about themselves and among themselves. Not one decent conversation on what we did, how was it to live four years abroad. That sucks terribly. It states clearly how important you are in the family. Well, it is normal when you get together with self-observed people, and that's my leftover family.

When I confronted them, of course I became the bad guy, the one complains all the time. However, I had a real difficult time understanding them why they were behaving the way they did. Anyway, now I officially lost my membership to my own family. I have to get used to it asap.

It is really strange. It is like all the people who loved you deeply just evaporated.

Well, fuck that. I have a life of my own, I am gonna enjoy it.

Warm winter

I applied for two positions this week. I hope I get at least an answer from them. The word on the street is that those vacancies are already taken but due to the labor regulations companies have to announce those openings anyway. I don't know actually, I don't have any insider knowledge but only what my friends say about the situation.

The weather here is unnaturally warm and sunny. I have one not listened This American Life podcast. That gives me a an hour long walk around the neighborhood. The water shortage is in effect. The municipality was cutting the water as a result. I could not even wash my face when I got up. I still feel dirty and not waken up fully.

I received e-mails from my friends living overseas. That's nice because lately I am criticizing myself how difficult I am when it comes to relations. I guess I am always angry at someone else. I am always angry without any good reasons frankly. I am trying to get control of it but being a jobless does not help much. I don't know. I was worse though before I got married. Now I mellowed a bit. However, I believe and sense that I can do better. I can quit being a tight ass prick or dumb my stupid insecurities as soon as possible. Almost everything scares me lately. For that reason I can't even get a sound sleep. Usually, I fall a sleep quickly and then wake up 10 - 20 minutes later for good. I have to try really hard to go back to sleep again. That tires the hell out of me.

I don't know. I am stuck. I can not move forward. I gotta do something to fix it.

A surprise call

I got a surprise call from a housemate of mine with whom I lived together for years during my collage years. I met him through a mutual friend who was my dorm-mate and was looking for a third person to join in for renting a house. I jumped on the idea and we all moved into a house near campus.

Shortly after moving in, my old dorm-mate had a relation with the most capricious girl I have ever seen. So, basically I lived with the other guy and that guy called me today. As a matter of fact I stopped talking to him after witnessing his unbearable habit of turning everything into a competition, like having a date, getting good grates, and all sorts of stuff was subject to competition. I was sick of that race and kick myself out.

Well, the conversation was friendly. He complained a lot about his job. I talked little about myself. I don't know why he called me, but I am kinda glad to hear from him. Aside from his willingness to compete, he was a good fellow.

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I am trying to finish up a cover letter today. I think I am deeply hopeless that I convinced myself that the cover letter has some kind of magical power on employers, so I have to be very very careful. However, I became so careful that I paralyzed myself. I can't even finish one page cover letter due to not finding the perfect words and sentences.

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Finally I finished the cover letter. I think I did a good job. It is concise, clear and touches on the crucial requirements of hiring criteria. As long as you have an insider working in the same organization, it is a piece of cake to get a job here. Otherwise, if it is a cold call, it is a tough one.

I am gonna send it tonight. I will wait my wife to review it though.

Cross you fingers for me please.

Waiting in the line

To pay a month-late bill, yesterday I went to a bank near where I live. There was a long line of people waiting to get to the teller inside and in front of the ATM machines outside. Waiting was not a problem for me though, because I had nothing to do better than doing a little people watching.

Five minutes after I entered the bank and I settled for a good spot to wait for my turn and observe people. One lady started to complain about the bank's queue system according to which you get a number depending on what kind of a customer you are. If you are a frequent customer and have an ATM card of that bank you get a different number than a customer who is, like me, just there to pay a bill. So, that lady, who claimed that she had an ATM card, complained that she waited too long.

Well, I was not agree with her point at that moment. After forty-five extremely boring minutes later, I was as angry as she was and ready to snap at the tellers. Another customer began to protest. Some others joined her. I was so ready to join them and rebel against the bank's manager. However, gradually those angry customers' turn came up and naturally they left the bank leaving other rebells alone and defenseless.

During that long wait, finishing its first hour, I managed to find a seat at last. The man sitting next to me was trying to sneak a peek to my queue number in my sweaty palms. I sensed what he was doing and tried to hide my number as if it were revealing some kind of intimate info about me; like my laziness and not being successful at getting the best number there was. When his turn came, he rushed to the desk. Then I felt a soft touch on my hands. Getting ready to get rid off the bug or fly or whatever was on my hand, I looked at my hand and there I saw a piece of queue paper resting on there with a smaller number than my queue number printed on it. Then I found the man looking at me knowingly and gave ma a slight nod and smiled at me from where he stood.

I smiled back. I thought that there must have been a secret underground resistant group formed discreetly and operates silently against the rude deeds of this bank. Now I was part of that group and my initiation to that group had just taken place. Since I had also several queue numbers at my disposal, I was enthusiastically looking for another candidate. While I was searching the room, my number appeared on the screen. I walked to the booth, finished my job and walked off the bank. Everything happened that fast regardless of that endless waiting period.

I was not a member of that underground organization anymore, I was dismissed instantly.

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By the way, I finally gave up reading Nick Hornby's How To Be Good book after 50 or so pages later. I am rereading Paul Auster's Hand To Mouth. I am in a bit of difficulty exploring new writers who write like Auster. I know the fact that Nick Hornby is absolutely a fantastic writer, no doubt about that; I can't claim it otherwise after seeing High Fidelity. However, How To Be Good is not my cup of tea. I once found Philip Roth's Everyman after doing a search on Amazon, simply by clicking on Explore Similar Items link when I was checking The Brooklyn Follies, another Auster book.

So, can anyone recommend a writer?

What's the deal with me

Today I feel like I am out of focus. I can't concentrate on any god damn thing and I feel very jumpy. Because of those feelings I depreciate myself quite badly. I have to slip myself out of this mess otherwise I will ruin all this week.

I am still looking for a job at which I am not succeeding a bit. Well, that's an old news, isn't it?

Last Saturday, we came together with my wife's friends. They also invited their friends so in the end we were around a dozen or so people gathered. We were in a bar so everybody drunk a little some got tipsy others preferred to drink coffee. We laughed a lot and had a great time. At those times I realized that I worth something. I am not a hopeless case, I told myself. Anyway, it was good hanging out with people.

I guess I have to learn to leave myself alone. I gotta leave a room for my uneasy soul to turn and toss freely, otherwise I feel like I am suffocating myself.

Since the weather is getting gloomier, I hardly want to go outside and take walks with my closest buddy, my iPod. That causes more depression and uneasiness.

Today I have to go out to run some errands. Some Mondays I feel like this, unfortunately. Anyway I have to pull it together.

Ok, I am gonna get dressed and go out.

Immune to bad news

Since I am jobless lately I have plenty of time to follow the news. Every morning I turn on the TV and settle in front of my mac and check the developments both live and online. Gradually I am amazed by my reaction to the news mainly coming from Iraq as well as around the world. Fist of all, the first news I hear or read is about Iraq informing how many people died at any given bomb attacks. Every god damn day I hear this shit. This is unbelievable how we all get used to seeing those bloody scenes and take them as if those were so normal, a daily part of life. We all say, well shit happens, people die everyday and as long as they die over there not here, it is ok. I don't think we truly understand how sad and overwhelming it is to lose a loved over a war or an accident anymore.

Last night, another sleepless night, I thought about the numbers; numbers of people killed in wars, accidents. To get the idea how devastating it is I decided to multiply the number of deaths with the number ten so as to amplify the effect of the lost ones on me. Imagine a situation where 30 people lost their lives due to an unfortunate plane crash, now multiply that 30 with 10 and get 300 people instead. My theory is every individual at least 10 people in their lives who wholeheartedly love that person who lost his/her life in an accident or war. So, that 10 people will directly be effected by one's loss. As a result, in a plane crash where 30 individual lose their lives will badly destroy 300 individuals' life in the end. Therefore, it is not something we can turn our backs to. We do not need to react to a situation only when thousands of people are killed due to any kind of ugly reason. 30 will do the trick; even one actually should be considered enough to react.

New York

I spent some time with the online version of the New York Times and checked out the travel section plus the city section of the paper. Damn I love New York. I've been there three times only but since then I have been looking forward to going back there once more.

There is always something going on in NYC; even you miss one thing, there is something else around the corner waiting for you. I like the small coffee shops, bakeries, the subway, delivery guys on bikes, new yorkers with I-mind-my-own-business faces, central park, diners, street performers, museums, art galleries, bookstores, squares, brown buildings, even homeless guys are all beautiful.

Now I am looking for a job that may make it possible for us to go back to that city to live there for good. You know what, that potential keeps me going. I don't want to be a yuppie there. I want to live a minimalist life with New York in my company. I want to find my favorite spot and have my saturday breakfast along with a local newspaper. I want to go out and see one or two performances over weekends. During weekdays, I want to pass tourists on the street snapping pictures of the time square. I want to buy a cup of coffee and stroll around the union square and browse through handmade craft. I most definitely be a frequent at the comedy clubs there. I would like to know couple of the guys working at the clubs and know comedians. Oh I love stand-up comedy. That's the most fascinating, the most creative and genius art off al time. I am sure I would spend all my money on the comedy clubs there.

Do you see what I mean? I wish I had a chance to go back there and live there. That's what really moves me lately. I hope that I will find a decent job here that makes it easier to move back to NY and find a job there too. Do you think I am asking too much?

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I went out to enjoy today's sunny but chilly weather. I took my iPod with me of course and listened to This American Life's the super theme. They talked about the superintends of buildings on the east side and the west and unearth very interesting stories. Lately, WGBH's Morning Stories are not long enough for me to satisfy my curiosity over what other people are up to.

Sleepy

I am very sleepy today. I was sick right after the new year party. I ate and drank too much and made myself sick. What a big accomplishment !!! Now the weather is foggy today and it makes me sleepy and tired. I usually like this kind of weather; dark and gloomy. However, today I have a very difficult time keeping my eyes open.

Here is the new year and I have been hoping to get something nice, like a job. I realize that I am not a career person. I don't have any plans to be a manager of some company. I just want to earn enough so that I can travel around with my wife.

I am trying to reconnect with my old friends but see sadly that we are way different. My friends who were so afraid to ask a girl out when we were college students now happily married and impatiently waiting to cheat their wives. I have never seen that much insecurity in someone. Now my buddies believe that they became man. A tough guy. I know that they are not going to be able to do that cheating business but they talk about it constantly. I don't give a rat's ass what they do but it is really obnoxious to listen to their pity plans and fantasies. Poor guys, they spent all their college years talking about girls but never dared to ask them out and look at them now, they turned out to be sexually obsessed freaks who, on top of all, confuse their wives with their mothers.