Yet nothing changes

Well, not is very clear to me that I am not good at acquiring new friends and maintaining the old ones. I am sick and tired of trying and trying yet the result is always the same; I am an outcast. I truly do not know the magical balance of having friends, let alone close friends.

Yesterday was really depressing for me. I was literally ditched by my work "friends" and learned that my aunt preferred my in-laws in order to get in touch with her son doing his compulsory military duty where I live. Two incidents in one day was too much for me. I felt pushed aside again. Despite her own struggles at work, my wife is kind enough to listened my never-ending talk. Anyway, although now that I have a job and although that I am surrounded by lots of people at work I somehow managed to feel isolated. Despite my attempts to connect with them, I am failing again, that is for sure.

Last night I could not sleep well again, thinking many times the situation I am in. Whatever I do I cannot mend the damaged relationship with my family. Once did I have lots of friends, now I feel like a loser. While these saddening things happening to me, I am also losing my grip from myself too. If I search hard enough, I can find a spot in me that I deeply like and want to connect with it more. However, since I spend most of my time contemplating how to connect with others, I tend to forget to do same thing for myself.

My wife says the truth again, I have to learn how to deal with it and get along with myself. It is true that my family shrunk considerably and I have some problems with making new friends. Being sorry and angry all the time do not fix anything. I need myself more than anything. It seems like while this incidents crush my heart, there is something promising shaping slowly in me. The problem is I forget easily what I discovered. I forget my promises and the roads I mapped out for myself. I need to learn to be more stable.

As always, I need to be more proactive instead persistently of being stuck to this mood. I need myself to do that.

I wonder...

...whether having a job will be bale to change my social life. I have been feeling shunned from any kind of social circles for a long long time. I know that, just having a job does not create miracles all of a sudden.

As a matter of fact, I am alone since the day I graduated from the collage. before that I had tons of friends and very busy social life. Something happened afterwards I cannot quite put my finger on it though. Now, I am sure my grandmother's phone rings way more frequently than mine. I know I am the only one to blame. But what happened to me that makes me so recluse.

Is it because of the depression I have been in for a long time which makes me to push others away. Wait a minute. I was not that much of an outcast when I was in the states. I had tons of friends. It is quite natural to feel secluded when you sit at home all the time. For a long time, there haven't been anything going on in my life. So, I am hoping that this job will spur things up and give me more room to breath.

I hope so...

I GOT THE JOB....

Yes yes, I changed the title of my blog due to the long-waited/hoped/wished-for reason: I AM EMPLOYED !!!!!!!!

After three-week long interviews, yesterday evening I got a call from the organization I applied to and heard the good news: YOU ARE HIRED.....I am so relieved by the news. Now, I have to focus on the job and get ready to be in the work environment again, after almost a year long break.

My wife has been a huge support for me during the lows and highs of my job hunt journey. Having a partner like her is the best thing ever happened to me. All I want now is to pamper her, shower her with gifts...She deserves the best of everything.

I am also lucky to have this job which offers great benefits and huge opportunity to improve myself on top of my graduate degree. The most delicious part is that the weekends are off, can you believe that??? I know it may sound weird thing to be happy for, but it is so important to have your weekends to yourself.

From now on, I am gonna write mostly on my job; on people I work with, on projects I work on, on trips I may or may not take....I am so lucky to have this great privilege to work for them -- I am gonna keep the names of persons and places undisclosed in order to be able to continue writing. I don't want to expose myself, that would be foolish. This is much more fun...

Thus, I can complain about my job relentlessly here :)))

Unemployeds...Let's hear from you

I really need to hear from other unemployeds around the world.

How do you deal with unemployment?

What are your means to cope with the boredom, mounting stress, self-depriciation, and social isolation?

I do need to hear from you in order to find better ways to tackle this issue.

Please e-mail me or leave a comment to reach me...

The dog is gone...

Last Saturday, we took the dog back to the shelter for good. Don't worry, here where I live, they do no perform euthanasia on dogs, never ever.

My wife and I have never had a pet, let along a dog. Although she was way more patient with the dog than me, I was losing my ground. I was stressful, and, worse of all, angry at the dog at all times. I could not take it anymore.

After leaving the dog at the pound, I was relieved tremendously. However, my wife cried all weekend. The good thing is we talked before we made the excruciating move. She understands my point of view though and I understand hers.

There are some facts that make it harder to have a dog that I realized later and then convinced my wife. First of all, the dog has a really bad shedding problem. It is beyond belief which forced us to clean up the entire house every weekend. After 5 mins later, the house is a mess again. It was relentless. Second, the dog had this biting and jumping habit for which we tried to train her with the guidance of the books we purchased to solve simple training problems. Obviously, all the time we spent training her did not work a bit.

Another problem was and is that the vets working at the shelter are so used to telling "white lies" to prospective dog adopters that it is impossible to get accurate info regarding the dog. They are afraid to tell the truth fearing that we might return the dog. However, by doing that they put enormous pressure on us, so when we reach our boiling point, it is too late to turn things around. For the shedding problem, all my questions were dismissed. As if it were a miniscule problem, there was no way to convince them that the problem causes a real trouble for us. On top of that, the vets have no idea what kind of dog they are giving away. As a result, they don't have anything to warn the adopters about the dog, like shedding, behavior that sort of things.

I am not blaming anyone for my deed. But, I can tell you this for sure that I won't be adopting a dog from shelters anymore. There is this sticky emotion attached to the dog. Whenever you have a problem with the dog, talking about the problem becomes a tabu or asking for more info replied with this stonewalled attitude as if it were a shame to ask such questions.