Depression

I changed my walking schedule today and went out early this morning. I had my iPod and had a good time; until I stepped back in.

I was greeted by the dog who had slept while I was out. I knew that she was going to pee, so I was getting ready to take her to the pee spot in the house. Just I was getting ready, she peed right on the tiles. I tried to stop her and caught her in the action which made everything worse; she stepped on her pee and began running in the house, leaving pee-drenched paw marks all around the house. Sadly, I lost it again, my temper and my tranquility after the nice, long walk.

I don't think I like having a pet right now. My wife insists on keeping her, but evidently, it is not fun for both the pup and me anymore. I have enormous stress mounting on my shoulder due to lack of employment. As a result, I am struggling to keep my morale high and it can be diminished just simply by cleaning up after the pup, several times a day. I am done with that, to be honest with you.

We thought that having a pup would help me to cope with the stress, yet the pup is the main stress source for me now. I am afraid my wife is going to fight back to keep the dog. She is at work all day, so it is me who has to take care of the pup all day.

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I just finished reading Self-Nonmedication, By BRUCE STUTZ on NY Times, online version. I was thinking to start anti-deprassant med. I feel depressed and angry all the time. However, after reading the personal account of Stutz, I am hesitant to swallow pills. Besides, I don't have health insurance now. So, it would be very expensive for me to buy meds for my wavy mood. Though, one incident struck me as noteworthy in the article when Stutz shares his intimate moments when he gets incensed over trivial mistakes and punishes himself severely. I do the same thing to my dog, physically, and to myself, mentally.

I am not sure whether medication is the answer when I still have the option of exercising outdoors and taking in as much sun as possible.

I am trying damn hard not to be angry and down, but it is so difficult.

For example, yesterday was Mother's day, right? What did I do? Nothing. I just stayed at home all day, waiting for my wife to return from the spa where she was spending time with her mother. My mom is long gone. My mother-in-law is at fight with me to get her daughter back. So, what do all this leave me to do? Nothing. While all my friends making plans for the day, I was sitting at home, doing nothing.

Wherever I turn, I am lack of something. No close friends. No family at all. No job. No promising prospects. In the middle of all this, I am still doing my best to find something positive. But, I have to say, I am getting tired and hopeless.