Mean Owners, Miserable Dogs

I have been training our dog for several things. First of all the basic obedience training, sit, come, down which has been going very well. Then comes to collar and walking with the leash exercises. That one also went pretty well.

However, I saw something very bothering in me, I have neither patience nor calmness embedded in my weak soul whatsoever.

The worst part of not having those two humanly virtues in me is that I beat my puppy as a result. I hit her hard and got so angry that I lose control.

Despite all the dog training books advising strongly against what I have done, I am doing it nonetheless.

I know all the facts that can be reminded to me. I know that whatever the dog does it is not because she wants to drive me crazy. She is just a pup doing her best to adjust us. But, apparently, the problem is severely with me. So much so that even I catch myself off guard when I lose my temper.

I feel like I am not cut out to be a dog owner, although I am very willing to teach her what to do and I accomplished great things with her so far, in a month. However, there comes a time when all of a sudden I go crazy over miniscule things and hit her and hit her and hit her again, unable to stop. Holly crap !!!

My wife knows this. She soothes me by not blaming either of us. She just asks me to be more patient, as much as I get. The problem is I think I am patient one moment, and in the next I simply become a different person who does not stand anything at all. What is all this?

Where is this avalanche of anger coming from? What kind of rage is nesting in me which scares the hell out of me?

The strange thing about my anger toward the poor dog is that right after I am done hurting her, I feel relieved. That is what is the scariest side of my anger. Why do I feel like that? Is it just a primitive way of releasing unused, idle condensed energy due to the circumstances I dwell on?

I kept promising myself again and again not to hit her again, never ever. A day passes without an incident. Then, on the second day, I come down on her so hard that I see her walking backwards whenever I come near her. I feel like an alcoholic who is promising not to put a drop of alcohol into his mouth, but cannot resist a day after and forget all about it.

What is the point, then, of having a pet when the pet wants to hide away from you?

I have been noticing an increase in my tantrums. While driving I yell at other drivers, swear pretty badly to the way they drive. Every time I sit in the driver seat, I have to calm myself down even before I turn the ignition key.

Is this all because I am still unemployed and miles away from any social interaction; if I have any of that mingling, I cannot help but feel looked down on and humiliated?

What have I become? I guess I became the person that I was so much afraid of becoming one. I should fix this. I am smart enough to take care of this problem. I cannot continue wasting my time like this, getting extremely mad on silly things. I should have let it go, instead. I can say it to myself that I am such a stupid tight ass. I have always taken life very seriously, despite the sense of humor I think I have. Well, sense of humor is not enough to make you a bearable person. Enough is enough, I should do something about my temper.

Am I alone on this?