Hell

Yesterday was a day sent from the hell.

I woke up with en uneasy mood. Went out to a short walk with my wife who stayed longer at home in order to calm me down. After the walk, we took a short nap. That far it was going fine. Then she left for work. I stayed at home. I checked my e-mails. there was nothing worth reading; all junk. Then I started to fell tense again. It got worse around 2 PM when I felt hopeless and desperate. To get rid of the sticky feeling, I began to clean up the house and took a shower afterwards which seemed to work. Then I prepared a hearty lunch.

Then I received a text message saying that one of our family member, who was 94 years old and had been sick for a while, passed away. The feeling of desperation came back with full blast. I felt very sorry and sad all of a sudden. To avert my thoughts, I trained the pup and played with her a bit. She was ok. I took her to the pee spot several times knowing that she had to go. She did not. After a while, I got tired and tied her leash and stayed with her watching TV. A minute later, she was peeing right on the rug while looking straight at me. I calmly said NO and raised up from the couch which scared her and made her run while peeing all around, drawing circles on the leash. She peed all over the living room. Sadly, I lost it again. I beat her up quite badly.

It is evident that yesterday was not a pretty day for me.

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I feel like I am lacking way behind of people with whom I was friend in high school and in collage years who were now doing way better than me. I promised myself million times not to compare myself with others, but to no avail. Even the guys who were goofy years back now are the money makers of their home. I, on the other hand, sit all day long and figure out how not to lose my mind out of boredom and self-pitty. I feel worthless when I see that others have every reason to be proud of themselves.

I had a friend in the high school who was very shy, specially around girls, and goofy since he was not that smart at all. We, along with another buddy of us, prepared the university entrance exam. He could not make it for the first year. Anyway, years passed. With the help of his father he landed a good job. Then he changed. He changed so much that he did even invite me to his wedding. The way I learned that he got married was like a movie scene. I called him one day, and his mom picked up and told me that he got married and living at such and such address. I was shocked.

Well, like that, I lost most of my friends. I literally ran out of friends. Mostly because they did good things while I was whining about how my life sucks terribly. It still sucks.

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I hope I can turn things around soon. I don't like what I am becoming. I want to breath, want to take a long, fresh, sweet breath. I want to smile more often and crack jokes. I want to be able to live my own life, to be proud of myself.