Insecurity

I am very insecure. I am afraid of almost everything. I am afraid of moving through life. I am afraid of doing new things, discovering new places and such. I am afraid of building new relations with people and sustaining those relations. I am not flexible because I am so rigid when it comes to evaluating myself and others. I am utterly afraid of life.

I have been accusing my father for a long long time due to his not being a supportive kinda dad - whose dad is like that anyway?-. However, since I am growing older and wiser let's say, I now see that he has been a coward himself too. This explains why he is always agitated and accusing others, criticizing them for nothing and not trusting anyone to the extend of Paranoia. Now, I find myself in the same shoes; sleepless nights, tense mornings, not letting go tinniest problems. Is it posiıble to turn things over? I really do not want to live like this, in a prison of my own. I guess it is like Paul Auster's Music of Chance where one character was brave enough to escape from building walls around themselves, while the other one was happy to finish the job and to stay in whatever was provided for him. I am like that second man lately.

I stay away from social relationships, although I am a funny and talkative guy. Because, as soon as I make a connection with someone I start thinking how that person is seeing me, judging me and pointing out my short comings. Although this is not true, I prolong that conversation in my mind and destroy the relationship along with my peace of mind. What is left afterwards? Nothing. Sleepless nights and tense days.

I am so busy with these crap that takes me away from living my own life happily. I cannot focus on what I like. I am also afraid of doing stupid things which leads me to do stupid things eventually. I know that I have a life ahead of me. However, something is holding me back. I hate that feeling. I remember when I was in primary school, I must have been around 8 or 9, I had this strange feeling that someone was hiding under a table, or behind a door, who grabbed my ankle as I walked by and hold me there from moving forward. That was a horrible feeling. I was literally able to see that guy waiting to grab me. Now, I have this strange vision in which a man is waiting for me with a rifle who is about the shoot me. I have to tell, I don't have enemies at all. But this odd picture keeps appearing in my mind; a guy with a shotgun. Is this a fear of death? A fear from life? What is it?

I lost my mom six years ago and before that my grandfather whom I loved deeply. Without those two I feel like İ don't have a family left at all. My father was out of the picture long ago. I still have my aunt and grandmother but they are so immersed into their life that we don't have anything common left connecting each other. When we got together the last time, the only stories they shared with each other were the ones about my cousin. Before, my grandfather or my mom was talking about me. Now they are gone and I have no ties with my family. I confronted them. However, the worst possible thing happened and I saw what they truly think of me; just an outcast.

I cannot relate to anyone or anything right now. None of my friends have gone through yet what I went through. So, obviously, they cannot share or even understand what it is like to be in this situation. Whatever is happening in this life always happened to me earlier than it should be. I saw divorces way earlier, deaths way earlier, and seeing that I have no family left way earlier. The only family I have is my wife. Although I am trying to be extra careful not to put too much pressure on my wife, it is true that sometimes I ask too much from her. But I am learning. I am getting there. I am teaching myself not be afraid of every god damn thing around me. I am looking forward, not backward. However, Rome was not built in one day; one what I am yearning to accomplish is not going to take place overnight.

I need to find a good job with enthusiastic people. I am sure that social environment will do me a good. I hope I will find one in the new year.

Bored

I am very much bored today. I took my daily walk earlier than usual so I have too much time in my hand to kill. Now, I am listening This American Life podcast and writing at the same time.

It looks like it is going to rain tomorrow that means I have to cancel my walk for tomorrow. Well, winter is coming so I better find some other activities out site of home.

I find myself smart and dumb at the same time. Smart due to the taste I have and things I have interest toward them. Dumb 'cause I cannot even find a decent job. I look around and see people and consider them way smarter than me and than they really are. Then I see them doing very stupid things with very cheap taste. I know I am judging people quite harshly. I should not be doing that. But, considering the circumstances I live in now, it really bothers me. Seeing others doing quite well, and knowing that I am not flourishing just waiting for something to happen is just a soul crushing experience.

I feel like I am kicked out from a game since I do not know the rules or not a good player. When I look at the other players, they seem normal people. However I think them as extraordinary people with unnatural talents which made them tellers in the banks, or government employees or all sorts of professions. But me, no no no, I am not in the game.

I can hear the clock ticking on the wall. That's horrible.

Monday walk

I just returned from my daily walk during which I listened to This American Life podcast. That is my new favorite podcast. In the beginning I did not like it at all, but gradually I began to like it a lot and I am now hooked pretty badly.

Job wise there is nothing new but that known endless, demoralizing waiting continues. I am keeping my emotions in check with these podcasts and readings etc. Otherwise it is extremely difficult to keep my sanity. I hope I will get one ın this new year. Right now companies do not seem to hiring people due to the arrival of the new year which offers nothing but full of uncertainties where I live.

Back to the podcast I just listened, titled Sink or Swim, the opening act was very interesting, the one with that interpreter who assumed that he could speak German. What an awkward situation. Oh man !!! I did that job for a week, I mean being an interpreter. What a tough job. I was exhausted after every session and had to study to teach myself all those unfamiliar jargons used during the presentations. I earned great deal of money yet I was done interpreting at the end. I remember couple of times I was so tired that my brain got frozen and I could not translate even a word. I just stood there with complete blank stares and hoped that my seizure did not last long.

To entertain myself, I bought Bill Hicks Sane Man and Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm. I like both of the men. However, I adore Bill Hicks more than any comics. What a loss at the very early age. I hope Sane Man is as good as Social Critic DVD.

Foggy Day

Today I had an interview. It was arranged by my father-in-law which was a total surprise because my wife and I have always thought that he does not care anyone at all. However, last Friday we were with them and he suddenly asked how I was doing job-searching wise. I was stuttering while replying his question not because I was nervous to talk on such a delicate issue but because of the fact that he cared to ask such a question. Couple of days later, he talked me on the phone, gave someone's name and phone number for me. He found me a lead !!! What a earth-shattering development.

I went there. It was almost in another city. Miles away from where I live. The interview went very smooth. It was not that much of a business interview but was leaving my CV and getting to know each other kinda meeting. The gentleman I talked to was very kind and friendly. He promised to help me, but underlined the fluctuating economic conditions fact. I don't know. He might give me the brush off but he was very kind anyway. I am not keeping my hopes too high; though I am hoping something from this meeting of course...

Other than that life is good. Weather is getting colder and gloomier. That is not good news because those conditions are going to interrupt my daily walks. Sitting at home bores the hell out of me. I gotta find some kind of hobby.

Void

I have not been posting lately. I was keeping myself busy with all kinds of silly stuff. So far I am not depressed at all. Weather is good for all of us who live on this part of the world. So there are no excuses not to take walks.

I found couple of my old friends. It is really good to have a talk with them. They had the same experiences, job searching wise.

I am trying to keep my calmness. I guess I am succeeding at that, at least I am better than I used to be.

It is sunny outside but it is cold. No complaints though.

Sometimes, I feel like I am ok with being jobless. That scares me. I feel like I am getting lazier and shyer and want to keep everything as is. Then, I start pushing myself to do something to chance the situation yet immediately I get panicked. I desire to get out of the jobless world so fast that make me nervous and incapable of accomplishing anything. Then again, I take a deep breath and calm down. Now I am calm. Who knows what happens tomorrow. Tomorrow is good, isn't it?