Yet nothing changes

Well, not is very clear to me that I am not good at acquiring new friends and maintaining the old ones. I am sick and tired of trying and trying yet the result is always the same; I am an outcast. I truly do not know the magical balance of having friends, let alone close friends.

Yesterday was really depressing for me. I was literally ditched by my work "friends" and learned that my aunt preferred my in-laws in order to get in touch with her son doing his compulsory military duty where I live. Two incidents in one day was too much for me. I felt pushed aside again. Despite her own struggles at work, my wife is kind enough to listened my never-ending talk. Anyway, although now that I have a job and although that I am surrounded by lots of people at work I somehow managed to feel isolated. Despite my attempts to connect with them, I am failing again, that is for sure.

Last night I could not sleep well again, thinking many times the situation I am in. Whatever I do I cannot mend the damaged relationship with my family. Once did I have lots of friends, now I feel like a loser. While these saddening things happening to me, I am also losing my grip from myself too. If I search hard enough, I can find a spot in me that I deeply like and want to connect with it more. However, since I spend most of my time contemplating how to connect with others, I tend to forget to do same thing for myself.

My wife says the truth again, I have to learn how to deal with it and get along with myself. It is true that my family shrunk considerably and I have some problems with making new friends. Being sorry and angry all the time do not fix anything. I need myself more than anything. It seems like while this incidents crush my heart, there is something promising shaping slowly in me. The problem is I forget easily what I discovered. I forget my promises and the roads I mapped out for myself. I need to learn to be more stable.

As always, I need to be more proactive instead persistently of being stuck to this mood. I need myself to do that.

I wonder...

...whether having a job will be bale to change my social life. I have been feeling shunned from any kind of social circles for a long long time. I know that, just having a job does not create miracles all of a sudden.

As a matter of fact, I am alone since the day I graduated from the collage. before that I had tons of friends and very busy social life. Something happened afterwards I cannot quite put my finger on it though. Now, I am sure my grandmother's phone rings way more frequently than mine. I know I am the only one to blame. But what happened to me that makes me so recluse.

Is it because of the depression I have been in for a long time which makes me to push others away. Wait a minute. I was not that much of an outcast when I was in the states. I had tons of friends. It is quite natural to feel secluded when you sit at home all the time. For a long time, there haven't been anything going on in my life. So, I am hoping that this job will spur things up and give me more room to breath.

I hope so...

I GOT THE JOB....

Yes yes, I changed the title of my blog due to the long-waited/hoped/wished-for reason: I AM EMPLOYED !!!!!!!!

After three-week long interviews, yesterday evening I got a call from the organization I applied to and heard the good news: YOU ARE HIRED.....I am so relieved by the news. Now, I have to focus on the job and get ready to be in the work environment again, after almost a year long break.

My wife has been a huge support for me during the lows and highs of my job hunt journey. Having a partner like her is the best thing ever happened to me. All I want now is to pamper her, shower her with gifts...She deserves the best of everything.

I am also lucky to have this job which offers great benefits and huge opportunity to improve myself on top of my graduate degree. The most delicious part is that the weekends are off, can you believe that??? I know it may sound weird thing to be happy for, but it is so important to have your weekends to yourself.

From now on, I am gonna write mostly on my job; on people I work with, on projects I work on, on trips I may or may not take....I am so lucky to have this great privilege to work for them -- I am gonna keep the names of persons and places undisclosed in order to be able to continue writing. I don't want to expose myself, that would be foolish. This is much more fun...

Thus, I can complain about my job relentlessly here :)))

Unemployeds...Let's hear from you

I really need to hear from other unemployeds around the world.

How do you deal with unemployment?

What are your means to cope with the boredom, mounting stress, self-depriciation, and social isolation?

I do need to hear from you in order to find better ways to tackle this issue.

Please e-mail me or leave a comment to reach me...

The dog is gone...

Last Saturday, we took the dog back to the shelter for good. Don't worry, here where I live, they do no perform euthanasia on dogs, never ever.

My wife and I have never had a pet, let along a dog. Although she was way more patient with the dog than me, I was losing my ground. I was stressful, and, worse of all, angry at the dog at all times. I could not take it anymore.

After leaving the dog at the pound, I was relieved tremendously. However, my wife cried all weekend. The good thing is we talked before we made the excruciating move. She understands my point of view though and I understand hers.

There are some facts that make it harder to have a dog that I realized later and then convinced my wife. First of all, the dog has a really bad shedding problem. It is beyond belief which forced us to clean up the entire house every weekend. After 5 mins later, the house is a mess again. It was relentless. Second, the dog had this biting and jumping habit for which we tried to train her with the guidance of the books we purchased to solve simple training problems. Obviously, all the time we spent training her did not work a bit.

Another problem was and is that the vets working at the shelter are so used to telling "white lies" to prospective dog adopters that it is impossible to get accurate info regarding the dog. They are afraid to tell the truth fearing that we might return the dog. However, by doing that they put enormous pressure on us, so when we reach our boiling point, it is too late to turn things around. For the shedding problem, all my questions were dismissed. As if it were a miniscule problem, there was no way to convince them that the problem causes a real trouble for us. On top of that, the vets have no idea what kind of dog they are giving away. As a result, they don't have anything to warn the adopters about the dog, like shedding, behavior that sort of things.

I am not blaming anyone for my deed. But, I can tell you this for sure that I won't be adopting a dog from shelters anymore. There is this sticky emotion attached to the dog. Whenever you have a problem with the dog, talking about the problem becomes a tabu or asking for more info replied with this stonewalled attitude as if it were a shame to ask such questions.

Hell

Yesterday was a day sent from the hell.

I woke up with en uneasy mood. Went out to a short walk with my wife who stayed longer at home in order to calm me down. After the walk, we took a short nap. That far it was going fine. Then she left for work. I stayed at home. I checked my e-mails. there was nothing worth reading; all junk. Then I started to fell tense again. It got worse around 2 PM when I felt hopeless and desperate. To get rid of the sticky feeling, I began to clean up the house and took a shower afterwards which seemed to work. Then I prepared a hearty lunch.

Then I received a text message saying that one of our family member, who was 94 years old and had been sick for a while, passed away. The feeling of desperation came back with full blast. I felt very sorry and sad all of a sudden. To avert my thoughts, I trained the pup and played with her a bit. She was ok. I took her to the pee spot several times knowing that she had to go. She did not. After a while, I got tired and tied her leash and stayed with her watching TV. A minute later, she was peeing right on the rug while looking straight at me. I calmly said NO and raised up from the couch which scared her and made her run while peeing all around, drawing circles on the leash. She peed all over the living room. Sadly, I lost it again. I beat her up quite badly.

It is evident that yesterday was not a pretty day for me.

*******

I feel like I am lacking way behind of people with whom I was friend in high school and in collage years who were now doing way better than me. I promised myself million times not to compare myself with others, but to no avail. Even the guys who were goofy years back now are the money makers of their home. I, on the other hand, sit all day long and figure out how not to lose my mind out of boredom and self-pitty. I feel worthless when I see that others have every reason to be proud of themselves.

I had a friend in the high school who was very shy, specially around girls, and goofy since he was not that smart at all. We, along with another buddy of us, prepared the university entrance exam. He could not make it for the first year. Anyway, years passed. With the help of his father he landed a good job. Then he changed. He changed so much that he did even invite me to his wedding. The way I learned that he got married was like a movie scene. I called him one day, and his mom picked up and told me that he got married and living at such and such address. I was shocked.

Well, like that, I lost most of my friends. I literally ran out of friends. Mostly because they did good things while I was whining about how my life sucks terribly. It still sucks.

********

I hope I can turn things around soon. I don't like what I am becoming. I want to breath, want to take a long, fresh, sweet breath. I want to smile more often and crack jokes. I want to be able to live my own life, to be proud of myself.

Waiting

I am still waiting for the NGO to decide on my application. Last week, they called to invite me to interviews. This week, I am waiting. Everyday I get a little down thinking that they won't call me again. Although, they told me that I would be called till this weekend, I am not keeping my expectations that high; you know in case.

To cheer myself up, I rented a DVD again, Team America this time. I had a good time watching it. Sadly, it is over, and I have to get back to the reality, which sucks terribly.

I cannot concentrate on anything nowadays. I tried to read articles in The New Yorker, but could not bring myself fully to finish whatever I am reading. I guess, I am focused, too much, on to the outcome of my job application. This waiting is killing me right now.

Other than that there is nothing worth mentioning. I exercise daily, listen to podcasts, and read as much as I can. Around 4 P.M. I settle in front of TV and watch it for an hour or so to kill time. Then my wife comes. We talk and go out for a walk. Come back, cook something and watch TV again before we go to bed.

Hope you guys are doing way better than me.

Now, I have a pet

After my trouble with the dog, I had a long talk with my wife. We discovered that I did not feel anything at all toward the dog while my wife can surely says that she loves the dog.

I realized that I am not letting my emotions go as far as anyone or anything is concerned rather than my wife. After the long talk, I decided to give it a try; try means "loving my pet".

So far it is working. I have been so turned inward that I am not letting anything slip in; no emotions, not even people. I gotta let go so as to be happy regardless of the conditions.

Speaking of conditions reminded me a friend of my wife who has been unemployed since the day she got married 8 months ago. By nature, she is depressed all the time. Now she is married but it does not do the trick, cause this time she has the problem of not being employed by any company. Every time we come together with them, I reassure myself that I really do not want to be like her. Although she is kinda right to feel depressed, she is not making any effort to make herself a little comfortable. I am almost sure that she will feel down even she finds a decent job.

Thank God I am not that depressed, so far at least.

I had a very busy week. I prepared for an interview took two days in a row. I did good at the first one so I was called in for the second one. In the second one, I had to take a written test, in English which is not my native language. I thought I did well, although I made one funny spelling mistake - I do need a spell checker at all times !!! - and forgot to add something into the text. Anyway, it went well regardless of my silly mistakes, which cost two-nights' sleeps but my wife tries assure me that it is gonna be ok. The office environment is nice since everybody speaks in English. I hope I get that job, that would make me very happy.

Depression

I changed my walking schedule today and went out early this morning. I had my iPod and had a good time; until I stepped back in.

I was greeted by the dog who had slept while I was out. I knew that she was going to pee, so I was getting ready to take her to the pee spot in the house. Just I was getting ready, she peed right on the tiles. I tried to stop her and caught her in the action which made everything worse; she stepped on her pee and began running in the house, leaving pee-drenched paw marks all around the house. Sadly, I lost it again, my temper and my tranquility after the nice, long walk.

I don't think I like having a pet right now. My wife insists on keeping her, but evidently, it is not fun for both the pup and me anymore. I have enormous stress mounting on my shoulder due to lack of employment. As a result, I am struggling to keep my morale high and it can be diminished just simply by cleaning up after the pup, several times a day. I am done with that, to be honest with you.

We thought that having a pup would help me to cope with the stress, yet the pup is the main stress source for me now. I am afraid my wife is going to fight back to keep the dog. She is at work all day, so it is me who has to take care of the pup all day.

*************

I just finished reading Self-Nonmedication, By BRUCE STUTZ on NY Times, online version. I was thinking to start anti-deprassant med. I feel depressed and angry all the time. However, after reading the personal account of Stutz, I am hesitant to swallow pills. Besides, I don't have health insurance now. So, it would be very expensive for me to buy meds for my wavy mood. Though, one incident struck me as noteworthy in the article when Stutz shares his intimate moments when he gets incensed over trivial mistakes and punishes himself severely. I do the same thing to my dog, physically, and to myself, mentally.

I am not sure whether medication is the answer when I still have the option of exercising outdoors and taking in as much sun as possible.

I am trying damn hard not to be angry and down, but it is so difficult.

For example, yesterday was Mother's day, right? What did I do? Nothing. I just stayed at home all day, waiting for my wife to return from the spa where she was spending time with her mother. My mom is long gone. My mother-in-law is at fight with me to get her daughter back. So, what do all this leave me to do? Nothing. While all my friends making plans for the day, I was sitting at home, doing nothing.

Wherever I turn, I am lack of something. No close friends. No family at all. No job. No promising prospects. In the middle of all this, I am still doing my best to find something positive. But, I have to say, I am getting tired and hopeless.

Mean Owners, Miserable Dogs

I have been training our dog for several things. First of all the basic obedience training, sit, come, down which has been going very well. Then comes to collar and walking with the leash exercises. That one also went pretty well.

However, I saw something very bothering in me, I have neither patience nor calmness embedded in my weak soul whatsoever.

The worst part of not having those two humanly virtues in me is that I beat my puppy as a result. I hit her hard and got so angry that I lose control.

Despite all the dog training books advising strongly against what I have done, I am doing it nonetheless.

I know all the facts that can be reminded to me. I know that whatever the dog does it is not because she wants to drive me crazy. She is just a pup doing her best to adjust us. But, apparently, the problem is severely with me. So much so that even I catch myself off guard when I lose my temper.

I feel like I am not cut out to be a dog owner, although I am very willing to teach her what to do and I accomplished great things with her so far, in a month. However, there comes a time when all of a sudden I go crazy over miniscule things and hit her and hit her and hit her again, unable to stop. Holly crap !!!

My wife knows this. She soothes me by not blaming either of us. She just asks me to be more patient, as much as I get. The problem is I think I am patient one moment, and in the next I simply become a different person who does not stand anything at all. What is all this?

Where is this avalanche of anger coming from? What kind of rage is nesting in me which scares the hell out of me?

The strange thing about my anger toward the poor dog is that right after I am done hurting her, I feel relieved. That is what is the scariest side of my anger. Why do I feel like that? Is it just a primitive way of releasing unused, idle condensed energy due to the circumstances I dwell on?

I kept promising myself again and again not to hit her again, never ever. A day passes without an incident. Then, on the second day, I come down on her so hard that I see her walking backwards whenever I come near her. I feel like an alcoholic who is promising not to put a drop of alcohol into his mouth, but cannot resist a day after and forget all about it.

What is the point, then, of having a pet when the pet wants to hide away from you?

I have been noticing an increase in my tantrums. While driving I yell at other drivers, swear pretty badly to the way they drive. Every time I sit in the driver seat, I have to calm myself down even before I turn the ignition key.

Is this all because I am still unemployed and miles away from any social interaction; if I have any of that mingling, I cannot help but feel looked down on and humiliated?

What have I become? I guess I became the person that I was so much afraid of becoming one. I should fix this. I am smart enough to take care of this problem. I cannot continue wasting my time like this, getting extremely mad on silly things. I should have let it go, instead. I can say it to myself that I am such a stupid tight ass. I have always taken life very seriously, despite the sense of humor I think I have. Well, sense of humor is not enough to make you a bearable person. Enough is enough, I should do something about my temper.

Am I alone on this?

Spring is here, at last

Thanks to the spring, now my allergy is on its full blast. Last Sunday, literally all of a sudden, I was hit by assault of runny nose and eyes and machine gun like sneeze avalanches.

I am on antihistaminic med which makes me very sleepy. The weather is gorgeous here, but I don't wanna go out in order not to trigger my allergy again.

My mother-in-law called me this morning, out of clear blue sky, and told me that she was on her way to our place. I was caught off guard thinking that it was a joke or something. She said she was serious and coming. I asked her why and she said she missed our morning talks; she was referring to the talks when we stayed at their place approx. 7 months ago, and now she wants to have a morning talk with me. Obviously, that was an excuse. She just wanted to drop by to mend things. She cannot control herself and wants make a move on everything whenever she thinks things must be fixed.

Well, sometimes you gotta leave things and people alone. I tried to turn her down, yet she insisted. Then I had to call my wife to stop my mother-in-law. I was not in the mood for having a chat with my MIL.

Since our return, we became her pass time activity. I have had enough though, and decided to keep a healthy distance in order not to cause an irreversible damage in our relationship.

Yes I did it...

...I watched Mission Impossible III. I am not proud of it since I don't like action movies. However, I got so bored that I had to find something that I usually don't do. Besides, I watch bad movies alone and good ones with my wife thus she does not miss anything worthy watching.

I gotta hand it to Philip Seymour Hoffman. He was the only reason I rented the MI III DVD. He performed perfectly again so much as to scare me the hell out. Just because of him, I can even go a step further to recommend the movie.

I guess the only good Tom Cruise movie is Born on Fourth of July. I may add the Rain Man as well despite the unforgettable fact that it was Dustin Hoffman's time to shine. Anyway, DVD helped me to kill approx. 3 hours.

I am very bored today. I ran out of pass time activities for this week. Naturally, I don't want to redo the things I already did. Tonight, we will go to Little Miss Sunshine on which we heard great reviews thus we have been waiting for it.

Fuck man, I am getting very hopeless for the fact that I am still unemployed. God damn it !!! It is getting embarrassing. I am having a very tough time to keep my morale up. Anyway, I am trying. I don't know what the hell is going to happen in the future; it better be something positive for God's sake. But, honestly, I wanna sleep better and have a good time on my off days, since I have abundance of off days; they all taste the same to me.

Job is just a little wish for me, am I asking too much?

Killing time

Usually I go to a park to get fresh air and shed my stress by walking and listening to This American Life podcasts. However, in my recent visits, I noticed something curious and kinda disturbing fact.

Lately, I am the only 30 something guy in the park left walking around. All others are mostly retirees who are taking their grandchildren to the park. Before, I was seeing a few people in my age group thinking that they might me unemployed too. That fact actually was lighting me up a bit for the fact that I was not the only unemployed bum in the world. Now, seemingly I am the only bum in the world.

Where have those other bums gone?

Did they find a job and live happily ever after? Do they drive pass by the park and see me still walking there and point their fingers at me and ask themselves "hey, I remember this guy, what is he still doing here?", or, do they actually visit the park only after the work hours for old times' sake? Is this why I don't see them anymore?

The funny thing is that I probably will to go to the same park again today. What a consistent bum I am...

In-laws

My in-laws visited us last night. I was stressed out since lately I don't want to hang out with them as often as we used to do. My father-in-law, who does not give a rat's ass for us, is infamous with his sharp and uncontrolled tongue. Basically, he says whatever he likes to regardless of the mood of and the relationship status with the other end.

They, my mother, father and sister-in-law came together. As soon as My FIL stepped in, he made kinda sarcastic remark on our puppy and grabbed the remote control after planting himself right in front of the TV. Aside from the greetings and a remark on a TV ad of our brand new car, we did not talk at all during their about 4 hour visit.

My MIL on the other hand acts exactly like a MIL. If she is not with her husband, she acts like a mom, but otherwise she acts like the way her husband appreciates; distant with a pinch of sarcasm mixed in.

Needless to say, I cannot bear this. I have been married with their precious daughter almost five years now, but they still are suspicious about me as if I were an ex-axe murderer on medication and therapy. They are very cautious so as to stop me before I lose control and grab my beloved axe to chop my wife.

The funny thing is they now understand that they have a daughter. Before that they had simply ignored her. Now, she is the most precious thing in the world to fight over to get her back. They have a younger daughter, my sister-in-law, to whom they behave like shit as well. When she too gets married then they will do the same shit again.

The main problem with their attitude is, since MIL admitted this fact two years or so ago, that they do not want to face the fact that years have passed and they aged, naturally. Inexplicably though, they blame me for the aging process. My MIL said one time that "I felt very old when you two got married". Since then, they have not overcome that fact yet and still blame us relentlessly.

This kind of bullshit leads to only one thing which is to miss all the fun moments of our lives. They missed their older daughter's years and now is the time for them to recapture those long gone moments - every time we get together they always reminisce the events happened 20 odd years ago. Unfortunately, while they tell the same childhood stories over and over again, I sit there silently and put a fake smile on my dull face. We do not do anything together me included in the conversation decently. We sit at the dinner table together, I take my role as an outcast, and stare blankly at the slide show passing in front of our eyes a millionth time.

I am sure, ten years from now, they will remember these boring days as the fondest years of their life. Poor them, they spend their life concerning constantly on their past and expecting a very bleak future when the moments paves its way right through our hands where it just slips through very quickly as well.

Life sucks...terribly

Last Thursday morning my aunt called to tell me that my uncle had a fatal traffic accident. I hung up, sit down for a minute. I told my wife what happened. She started crying while I was sitting there, paralyzed.

I began to call airlines to book a flight to where my uncle is going to be buried to no avail since they don't have any direct flights, and all the transfers are booked already.

I took the car and drove eight straight hours to down there. I usually get bored when I drive alone but this time I did not even understand how long I drove. It just passed quickly.

I reunited with my extended family members at whom I was angry and distant due to their insignificant attitude toward me and my wife. We all dropped those games and be together, grieved together for our loss.

My one-of-a-kind jerk father, on the other hand, came to the funeral as well with his dimwit mind. He is so dumb, unconsidered and insecure that he ignored me and pretended that he didn't see me when I was standing inches away from him. I am kinda glad to see that I made a very accurate move years ago when I decided not to see him anymore. He has been a very bad influence on me since the beginning. I have been always embarrassed by his inappropriate manner. Now that I stopped seeing him and his wife, I am content and, consequently, more mature than ever.

We all are shaken by my uncle's funeral. He was one of those individuals who, you think, are never going to die regardless of their way of life. He liked to drink, a lot. So we all have been expecting to see him go down because of his ugly addiction to the alcohol and smoke. Well, those two actually are the reason of his departure from this world. He was drunk driving and trying to take a turn with 130 km/80 miles per hour speed. He lost control of the car which first hit a rock sending it up in the air and turning the car upside-down at the same time, then the car hit the ground with its roof down. The roof top smashed my uncle and killed him instantaneously.

There all of our memories are smashed down too. Now, we are moving on without the funniest, craziest, a true free-sprit member of our family. RIP

Interview

The interview went pretty well, sort of.

I am not sure whether I nailed it or failed badly since it took only minutes. Despite the positive air in the room, I left the room unsure how well I presented myself. That was the first interview though, so there is nothing much to expect from it. They said they will call me this week till Friday.

I am sleepy and very lethargic today. I guess I am relaxed after the interview.

Finally

Yes, finally I got an e-mail from the institution I applied to. They invited me to an interview in the next week. I cross my fingers for myself. :))

I just talked to our vet about the pup we returned to the shelter. The news is not good. She is still having seizures and is deaf. Actually, this shows clearly what happens when you pick a pup like a tomato. Next time we should be more careful. We will visit the shelter this Sunday and have a talk on how we can pick a healthier pup.

Today the weather is pretty gloomy and rainy. Although I like weathers like this, I feel depressed a bit. I guess it is because of the scheduled interview I have for next week. I gotta calm down otherwise I am gonna hamper myself and lose the opportunity.

That's all about it so far.

The diner

I don't know whether you know this or not but the diner where one scenes of The Big Lebowski and American History X was filmed is the same diner. I know this info is not going to change the course of your life but there is no harm in sharing it with you, is there?

I watched American History X again last weekend and recognized the diner immediately since I am kinda a big fan of The Dude lately. To recap the importance of the diner in The Big Lebowski, it was the place where Walter, John Goodman, uttered the line " I can get you a toe by three o'clock this afternoon". I loved that movie. I wish the diner had not gone out of business so that I could have been "enjoying my coffee" there too.

I subscribed to The New Yorker magazine, finally. The first issue arrived last week. There is a fabulous article by George Packer titled Betrayed, The Iraqis who trusted America the most. it is available online as well. You should most definitely read it. Along with that, I am also reading Newsweek's Int. issue's letters from the battlefield. That one though is not a easy read. I cannot go more than only one e-mail sent by a now deceased army member to his/her family.

This American Life, TAL, did a great job again with their The Golden Apple podcast. This one is like a dream came true kinda podcast. What a terrific collection of interesting stories from the regular Joes of that diner. It is also available on TAL's web, free of charge. I wish I could go in there and had a cup of coffee. Damn !!!

This week, I have two strong leads for my prospective employment. The only problem is that none of them replied me so far. I followed up once but nothing happened. Maybe it is true that no news is good news, but I am stressed out. Lately, searching a job became a joke. For the positions I applied for, I have the education and the experience they ask but I am still not able to land one. They usually get someone they know, regardless of education or experience. Then, they train that person to fit for that given position. Usually, the newly hired one has some sort of political connections or family ties with that company's key figures. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming anyone for my frustration. However, this is how it works here, sad but true.

This weekend we are going to the dog shelter once more, hoping to get a healthy puppy this time. My wife is crazy about dogs who was so afraid of them few years ago. Now, she plays with them, hugs them. She is totally crazy for them. On top of that, she does not want a pure breed, contrary to most. She wants to adopt one from shelters. Well, it shows that people can change over the years. :)

Whaz up !

I have not posted anything on my blog for several weeks in a row. It is not because I got a job meanwhile, I wish I had, but our pup got sick quite severely. She developed this epileptic seizures all of a sudden and got worse with other health problems. We tried to take care of her more than a month but of no avail. Long story short, we handed her to the shelter where vets are taking care of her. I know it sounds brutal but we did everything we could for her and leaving her there was not an easy thing to do, especially for my wife who had a very difficult time readjusting our puppyless house for weeks.

Having a very sick dog and leaving that dog for good at the shelter is quite a traumatic experience indeed. One of our family friends insisted on finding a pup for us but we declined. We decided to get rest for a while and make a move later.

Now, I guess we are making plans to look for a new pup. This time we are equipping ourselves as much information on picking a pup as possible. The vets we met along the way during our pup's illness are offering help to pick a healthier pup this time. Last time when we went to the shelter they literally handed this dog in such a hurry that we did not even enough time to consider whether we should have that one or the other. This time we are taking our time to make a little bit educated move.

Jobwise there is nothing happening. I made another application for a position for which I am very positive that I am gonna get. However, so far nobody called me. I am afraid that the position might already be taken.

The puppy days

Last night I finally lost my cool and hit my puppy.

She has this nipping habit developed lately driving us crazy. We have been constantly reading articles on the net but surely everything we read so far do nothing but confused us more. It looks like there are lots of contradictory information flying up in the air.

Finally, the puppy hit our nerves last night. I felt terrible after hitting her. I thought that her time is coming to go back to where we picked up her, the pound. During that madness, I seriously thought of taking her back. This morning, however, I read more articles on the net and found a consensus on how to train your dog; do not punish her. Well, it is really hard not to when you live in an apartment flat and are concerned about your neighbors need of a quiet night.

Right after I hit her, I found myself thinking how my being a short-tempered person resembles my father's attitude. That thinking made me feel even worse.

I better shape up and calm down. She is just a puppy exploring her world. I really don't want to be one of her plenty of problems, adjusting to a new home, new things, new people around her.

I am gonna try to behave much more kindly toward her. I am gonna be more patient and understanding. That's gonna be easier and painless.

I am glad that we had not made a baby. I have too many things to learn from having a puppy first. I truly don't want to end up like my father; unnecessarily rough on people consequently left alone in his own shitty life.

No news is good news

Well, I have been sending out my resume to several companies that announce vacancies fitting my background. However, none of them are returning back to me. My friends says that I gotta know key people at key positions. I don't know such people unfortunately.

The good news is we got a puppy from a pound. She was sick for a week or so but now she is back again. She is busy with chewing, peeing, pooping and of course crying out lout. Now, she is sitting next to me playing with her toys. She just woke up. That means she has tons of energy. She is a natural anti-depressan. Since her arrival, I sleep better and feel more positive.

Hope things turn around soon. I really need a job, a decent one.

Cold day

Yes it is really cold outside. Despite that, I went out and took a walk. This time I listened to This American Life's My Brilliant Plan podcast. It was pretty interesting.

Taking a 45-minute long walks truly help me to have a positive mood. Podcasts are also good remedy for boredom and self pity situations.

Job wise, I have been following couple of leads. No words on them yet but I am still keeping my spirit up, not all the time though.

I just finished reading an article in The New Yorker magazine on bratz and barbie dolls. What a tough toy market it is to be in. I can't believe the way Barbie is being marketed to young girls; showing that all the girls are shopping addicted brainless kinda creatures.

As a matter of fact that depiction is true, isn't it?

Well, who am I to judge those youngsters. :) Let them do whatever they like to do. It is a generation thing and every generation has its own quirks.

Other than that I am bored quite badly today once more. When the evening time settles, I feel worse. In the nights, I am ok again. Mornings are not bad actually, since I feel like a new, unexpected thing may happen. However, in the evenings I do realize that I am not gonna hear a god damn good news on that day, and this cycle goes on and on forever.

Family ties...my ass

Thanks to the enormous amount of time I have in my hand lately, I do nothing but think. Think about my past, think about me, think about the future, which is the scariest one of course.

Here is the overall picture of me; first of all, I have no family whatsoever. The only close person in my life is my wife, for that I am so grateful. Other than that, it is complete blank. It is really taken its tall on me because it was not like that before. I had a important role in my family, I was someone loved, called and missed. Now I am left alone.

Ye I get e-mails or occasional phone calls from my folks, however it is like a duty, not carries any slightest of intimacy. Conversations on the phones turned out to be exchanging reports about our lives. There is not any trace of feelings or bounds in our voices. That's really strange. My in-laws are way closer to me than my own family, or whatever is left from it.

I personally chose not to talk to my father anymore. After four marriages and 3 half brothers and sisters, I simply got tired and quit following him around with his new families. However, I did not choose to weaken my relations with the rest of my family. When I was out of the country, I called them more than they called me. But, when I came back, I got this cold welcome. The first night we came together after four straight years later, the main topic at the table was recent news. I was shocked. The second day it was worse. They simply ignored me and my wife. A couple times they asked us what we did abroad, but mostly they talked about themselves and among themselves. Not one decent conversation on what we did, how was it to live four years abroad. That sucks terribly. It states clearly how important you are in the family. Well, it is normal when you get together with self-observed people, and that's my leftover family.

When I confronted them, of course I became the bad guy, the one complains all the time. However, I had a real difficult time understanding them why they were behaving the way they did. Anyway, now I officially lost my membership to my own family. I have to get used to it asap.

It is really strange. It is like all the people who loved you deeply just evaporated.

Well, fuck that. I have a life of my own, I am gonna enjoy it.

Warm winter

I applied for two positions this week. I hope I get at least an answer from them. The word on the street is that those vacancies are already taken but due to the labor regulations companies have to announce those openings anyway. I don't know actually, I don't have any insider knowledge but only what my friends say about the situation.

The weather here is unnaturally warm and sunny. I have one not listened This American Life podcast. That gives me a an hour long walk around the neighborhood. The water shortage is in effect. The municipality was cutting the water as a result. I could not even wash my face when I got up. I still feel dirty and not waken up fully.

I received e-mails from my friends living overseas. That's nice because lately I am criticizing myself how difficult I am when it comes to relations. I guess I am always angry at someone else. I am always angry without any good reasons frankly. I am trying to get control of it but being a jobless does not help much. I don't know. I was worse though before I got married. Now I mellowed a bit. However, I believe and sense that I can do better. I can quit being a tight ass prick or dumb my stupid insecurities as soon as possible. Almost everything scares me lately. For that reason I can't even get a sound sleep. Usually, I fall a sleep quickly and then wake up 10 - 20 minutes later for good. I have to try really hard to go back to sleep again. That tires the hell out of me.

I don't know. I am stuck. I can not move forward. I gotta do something to fix it.

A surprise call

I got a surprise call from a housemate of mine with whom I lived together for years during my collage years. I met him through a mutual friend who was my dorm-mate and was looking for a third person to join in for renting a house. I jumped on the idea and we all moved into a house near campus.

Shortly after moving in, my old dorm-mate had a relation with the most capricious girl I have ever seen. So, basically I lived with the other guy and that guy called me today. As a matter of fact I stopped talking to him after witnessing his unbearable habit of turning everything into a competition, like having a date, getting good grates, and all sorts of stuff was subject to competition. I was sick of that race and kick myself out.

Well, the conversation was friendly. He complained a lot about his job. I talked little about myself. I don't know why he called me, but I am kinda glad to hear from him. Aside from his willingness to compete, he was a good fellow.

----------

I am trying to finish up a cover letter today. I think I am deeply hopeless that I convinced myself that the cover letter has some kind of magical power on employers, so I have to be very very careful. However, I became so careful that I paralyzed myself. I can't even finish one page cover letter due to not finding the perfect words and sentences.

----------

Finally I finished the cover letter. I think I did a good job. It is concise, clear and touches on the crucial requirements of hiring criteria. As long as you have an insider working in the same organization, it is a piece of cake to get a job here. Otherwise, if it is a cold call, it is a tough one.

I am gonna send it tonight. I will wait my wife to review it though.

Cross you fingers for me please.

Waiting in the line

To pay a month-late bill, yesterday I went to a bank near where I live. There was a long line of people waiting to get to the teller inside and in front of the ATM machines outside. Waiting was not a problem for me though, because I had nothing to do better than doing a little people watching.

Five minutes after I entered the bank and I settled for a good spot to wait for my turn and observe people. One lady started to complain about the bank's queue system according to which you get a number depending on what kind of a customer you are. If you are a frequent customer and have an ATM card of that bank you get a different number than a customer who is, like me, just there to pay a bill. So, that lady, who claimed that she had an ATM card, complained that she waited too long.

Well, I was not agree with her point at that moment. After forty-five extremely boring minutes later, I was as angry as she was and ready to snap at the tellers. Another customer began to protest. Some others joined her. I was so ready to join them and rebel against the bank's manager. However, gradually those angry customers' turn came up and naturally they left the bank leaving other rebells alone and defenseless.

During that long wait, finishing its first hour, I managed to find a seat at last. The man sitting next to me was trying to sneak a peek to my queue number in my sweaty palms. I sensed what he was doing and tried to hide my number as if it were revealing some kind of intimate info about me; like my laziness and not being successful at getting the best number there was. When his turn came, he rushed to the desk. Then I felt a soft touch on my hands. Getting ready to get rid off the bug or fly or whatever was on my hand, I looked at my hand and there I saw a piece of queue paper resting on there with a smaller number than my queue number printed on it. Then I found the man looking at me knowingly and gave ma a slight nod and smiled at me from where he stood.

I smiled back. I thought that there must have been a secret underground resistant group formed discreetly and operates silently against the rude deeds of this bank. Now I was part of that group and my initiation to that group had just taken place. Since I had also several queue numbers at my disposal, I was enthusiastically looking for another candidate. While I was searching the room, my number appeared on the screen. I walked to the booth, finished my job and walked off the bank. Everything happened that fast regardless of that endless waiting period.

I was not a member of that underground organization anymore, I was dismissed instantly.

--------

By the way, I finally gave up reading Nick Hornby's How To Be Good book after 50 or so pages later. I am rereading Paul Auster's Hand To Mouth. I am in a bit of difficulty exploring new writers who write like Auster. I know the fact that Nick Hornby is absolutely a fantastic writer, no doubt about that; I can't claim it otherwise after seeing High Fidelity. However, How To Be Good is not my cup of tea. I once found Philip Roth's Everyman after doing a search on Amazon, simply by clicking on Explore Similar Items link when I was checking The Brooklyn Follies, another Auster book.

So, can anyone recommend a writer?

What's the deal with me

Today I feel like I am out of focus. I can't concentrate on any god damn thing and I feel very jumpy. Because of those feelings I depreciate myself quite badly. I have to slip myself out of this mess otherwise I will ruin all this week.

I am still looking for a job at which I am not succeeding a bit. Well, that's an old news, isn't it?

Last Saturday, we came together with my wife's friends. They also invited their friends so in the end we were around a dozen or so people gathered. We were in a bar so everybody drunk a little some got tipsy others preferred to drink coffee. We laughed a lot and had a great time. At those times I realized that I worth something. I am not a hopeless case, I told myself. Anyway, it was good hanging out with people.

I guess I have to learn to leave myself alone. I gotta leave a room for my uneasy soul to turn and toss freely, otherwise I feel like I am suffocating myself.

Since the weather is getting gloomier, I hardly want to go outside and take walks with my closest buddy, my iPod. That causes more depression and uneasiness.

Today I have to go out to run some errands. Some Mondays I feel like this, unfortunately. Anyway I have to pull it together.

Ok, I am gonna get dressed and go out.

Immune to bad news

Since I am jobless lately I have plenty of time to follow the news. Every morning I turn on the TV and settle in front of my mac and check the developments both live and online. Gradually I am amazed by my reaction to the news mainly coming from Iraq as well as around the world. Fist of all, the first news I hear or read is about Iraq informing how many people died at any given bomb attacks. Every god damn day I hear this shit. This is unbelievable how we all get used to seeing those bloody scenes and take them as if those were so normal, a daily part of life. We all say, well shit happens, people die everyday and as long as they die over there not here, it is ok. I don't think we truly understand how sad and overwhelming it is to lose a loved over a war or an accident anymore.

Last night, another sleepless night, I thought about the numbers; numbers of people killed in wars, accidents. To get the idea how devastating it is I decided to multiply the number of deaths with the number ten so as to amplify the effect of the lost ones on me. Imagine a situation where 30 people lost their lives due to an unfortunate plane crash, now multiply that 30 with 10 and get 300 people instead. My theory is every individual at least 10 people in their lives who wholeheartedly love that person who lost his/her life in an accident or war. So, that 10 people will directly be effected by one's loss. As a result, in a plane crash where 30 individual lose their lives will badly destroy 300 individuals' life in the end. Therefore, it is not something we can turn our backs to. We do not need to react to a situation only when thousands of people are killed due to any kind of ugly reason. 30 will do the trick; even one actually should be considered enough to react.

New York

I spent some time with the online version of the New York Times and checked out the travel section plus the city section of the paper. Damn I love New York. I've been there three times only but since then I have been looking forward to going back there once more.

There is always something going on in NYC; even you miss one thing, there is something else around the corner waiting for you. I like the small coffee shops, bakeries, the subway, delivery guys on bikes, new yorkers with I-mind-my-own-business faces, central park, diners, street performers, museums, art galleries, bookstores, squares, brown buildings, even homeless guys are all beautiful.

Now I am looking for a job that may make it possible for us to go back to that city to live there for good. You know what, that potential keeps me going. I don't want to be a yuppie there. I want to live a minimalist life with New York in my company. I want to find my favorite spot and have my saturday breakfast along with a local newspaper. I want to go out and see one or two performances over weekends. During weekdays, I want to pass tourists on the street snapping pictures of the time square. I want to buy a cup of coffee and stroll around the union square and browse through handmade craft. I most definitely be a frequent at the comedy clubs there. I would like to know couple of the guys working at the clubs and know comedians. Oh I love stand-up comedy. That's the most fascinating, the most creative and genius art off al time. I am sure I would spend all my money on the comedy clubs there.

Do you see what I mean? I wish I had a chance to go back there and live there. That's what really moves me lately. I hope that I will find a decent job here that makes it easier to move back to NY and find a job there too. Do you think I am asking too much?

---

I went out to enjoy today's sunny but chilly weather. I took my iPod with me of course and listened to This American Life's the super theme. They talked about the superintends of buildings on the east side and the west and unearth very interesting stories. Lately, WGBH's Morning Stories are not long enough for me to satisfy my curiosity over what other people are up to.

Sleepy

I am very sleepy today. I was sick right after the new year party. I ate and drank too much and made myself sick. What a big accomplishment !!! Now the weather is foggy today and it makes me sleepy and tired. I usually like this kind of weather; dark and gloomy. However, today I have a very difficult time keeping my eyes open.

Here is the new year and I have been hoping to get something nice, like a job. I realize that I am not a career person. I don't have any plans to be a manager of some company. I just want to earn enough so that I can travel around with my wife.

I am trying to reconnect with my old friends but see sadly that we are way different. My friends who were so afraid to ask a girl out when we were college students now happily married and impatiently waiting to cheat their wives. I have never seen that much insecurity in someone. Now my buddies believe that they became man. A tough guy. I know that they are not going to be able to do that cheating business but they talk about it constantly. I don't give a rat's ass what they do but it is really obnoxious to listen to their pity plans and fantasies. Poor guys, they spent all their college years talking about girls but never dared to ask them out and look at them now, they turned out to be sexually obsessed freaks who, on top of all, confuse their wives with their mothers.