Dec 26, 2006

Insecurity

I am very insecure. I am afraid of almost everything. I am afraid of moving through life. I am afraid of doing new things, discovering new places and such. I am afraid of building new relations with people and sustaining those relations. I am not flexible because I am so rigid when it comes to evaluating myself and others. I am utterly afraid of life.

I have been accusing my father for a long long time due to his not being a supportive kinda dad - whose dad is like that anyway?-. However, since I am growing older and wiser let's say, I now see that he has been a coward himself too. This explains why he is always agitated and accusing others, criticizing them for nothing and not trusting anyone to the extend of Paranoia. Now, I find myself in the same shoes; sleepless nights, tense mornings, not letting go tinniest problems. Is it posiıble to turn things over? I really do not want to live like this, in a prison of my own. I guess it is like Paul Auster's Music of Chance where one character was brave enough to escape from building walls around themselves, while the other one was happy to finish the job and to stay in whatever was provided for him. I am like that second man lately.

I stay away from social relationships, although I am a funny and talkative guy. Because, as soon as I make a connection with someone I start thinking how that person is seeing me, judging me and pointing out my short comings. Although this is not true, I prolong that conversation in my mind and destroy the relationship along with my peace of mind. What is left afterwards? Nothing. Sleepless nights and tense days.

I am so busy with these crap that takes me away from living my own life happily. I cannot focus on what I like. I am also afraid of doing stupid things which leads me to do stupid things eventually. I know that I have a life ahead of me. However, something is holding me back. I hate that feeling. I remember when I was in primary school, I must have been around 8 or 9, I had this strange feeling that someone was hiding under a table, or behind a door, who grabbed my ankle as I walked by and hold me there from moving forward. That was a horrible feeling. I was literally able to see that guy waiting to grab me. Now, I have this strange vision in which a man is waiting for me with a rifle who is about the shoot me. I have to tell, I don't have enemies at all. But this odd picture keeps appearing in my mind; a guy with a shotgun. Is this a fear of death? A fear from life? What is it?

I lost my mom six years ago and before that my grandfather whom I loved deeply. Without those two I feel like İ don't have a family left at all. My father was out of the picture long ago. I still have my aunt and grandmother but they are so immersed into their life that we don't have anything common left connecting each other. When we got together the last time, the only stories they shared with each other were the ones about my cousin. Before, my grandfather or my mom was talking about me. Now they are gone and I have no ties with my family. I confronted them. However, the worst possible thing happened and I saw what they truly think of me; just an outcast.

I cannot relate to anyone or anything right now. None of my friends have gone through yet what I went through. So, obviously, they cannot share or even understand what it is like to be in this situation. Whatever is happening in this life always happened to me earlier than it should be. I saw divorces way earlier, deaths way earlier, and seeing that I have no family left way earlier. The only family I have is my wife. Although I am trying to be extra careful not to put too much pressure on my wife, it is true that sometimes I ask too much from her. But I am learning. I am getting there. I am teaching myself not be afraid of every god damn thing around me. I am looking forward, not backward. However, Rome was not built in one day; one what I am yearning to accomplish is not going to take place overnight.

I need to find a good job with enthusiastic people. I am sure that social environment will do me a good. I hope I will find one in the new year.

Dec 19, 2006

Bored

I am very much bored today. I took my daily walk earlier than usual so I have too much time in my hand to kill. Now, I am listening This American Life podcast and writing at the same time.

It looks like it is going to rain tomorrow that means I have to cancel my walk for tomorrow. Well, winter is coming so I better find some other activities out site of home.

I find myself smart and dumb at the same time. Smart due to the taste I have and things I have interest toward them. Dumb 'cause I cannot even find a decent job. I look around and see people and consider them way smarter than me and than they really are. Then I see them doing very stupid things with very cheap taste. I know I am judging people quite harshly. I should not be doing that. But, considering the circumstances I live in now, it really bothers me. Seeing others doing quite well, and knowing that I am not flourishing just waiting for something to happen is just a soul crushing experience.

I feel like I am kicked out from a game since I do not know the rules or not a good player. When I look at the other players, they seem normal people. However I think them as extraordinary people with unnatural talents which made them tellers in the banks, or government employees or all sorts of professions. But me, no no no, I am not in the game.

I can hear the clock ticking on the wall. That's horrible.

Dec 18, 2006

Monday walk

I just returned from my daily walk during which I listened to This American Life podcast. That is my new favorite podcast. In the beginning I did not like it at all, but gradually I began to like it a lot and I am now hooked pretty badly.

Job wise there is nothing new but that known endless, demoralizing waiting continues. I am keeping my emotions in check with these podcasts and readings etc. Otherwise it is extremely difficult to keep my sanity. I hope I will get one ın this new year. Right now companies do not seem to hiring people due to the arrival of the new year which offers nothing but full of uncertainties where I live.

Back to the podcast I just listened, titled Sink or Swim, the opening act was very interesting, the one with that interpreter who assumed that he could speak German. What an awkward situation. Oh man !!! I did that job for a week, I mean being an interpreter. What a tough job. I was exhausted after every session and had to study to teach myself all those unfamiliar jargons used during the presentations. I earned great deal of money yet I was done interpreting at the end. I remember couple of times I was so tired that my brain got frozen and I could not translate even a word. I just stood there with complete blank stares and hoped that my seizure did not last long.

To entertain myself, I bought Bill Hicks Sane Man and Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm. I like both of the men. However, I adore Bill Hicks more than any comics. What a loss at the very early age. I hope Sane Man is as good as Social Critic DVD.

Dec 12, 2006

Foggy Day

Today I had an interview. It was arranged by my father-in-law which was a total surprise because my wife and I have always thought that he does not care anyone at all. However, last Friday we were with them and he suddenly asked how I was doing job-searching wise. I was stuttering while replying his question not because I was nervous to talk on such a delicate issue but because of the fact that he cared to ask such a question. Couple of days later, he talked me on the phone, gave someone's name and phone number for me. He found me a lead !!! What a earth-shattering development.

I went there. It was almost in another city. Miles away from where I live. The interview went very smooth. It was not that much of a business interview but was leaving my CV and getting to know each other kinda meeting. The gentleman I talked to was very kind and friendly. He promised to help me, but underlined the fluctuating economic conditions fact. I don't know. He might give me the brush off but he was very kind anyway. I am not keeping my hopes too high; though I am hoping something from this meeting of course...

Other than that life is good. Weather is getting colder and gloomier. That is not good news because those conditions are going to interrupt my daily walks. Sitting at home bores the hell out of me. I gotta find some kind of hobby.

Dec 6, 2006

Void

I have not been posting lately. I was keeping myself busy with all kinds of silly stuff. So far I am not depressed at all. Weather is good for all of us who live on this part of the world. So there are no excuses not to take walks.

I found couple of my old friends. It is really good to have a talk with them. They had the same experiences, job searching wise.

I am trying to keep my calmness. I guess I am succeeding at that, at least I am better than I used to be.

It is sunny outside but it is cold. No complaints though.

Sometimes, I feel like I am ok with being jobless. That scares me. I feel like I am getting lazier and shyer and want to keep everything as is. Then, I start pushing myself to do something to chance the situation yet immediately I get panicked. I desire to get out of the jobless world so fast that make me nervous and incapable of accomplishing anything. Then again, I take a deep breath and calm down. Now I am calm. Who knows what happens tomorrow. Tomorrow is good, isn't it?

Nov 29, 2006

Boredom

I am very bored today. I am getting so lazy that even simple deeds look troubling right now. I am focusing to much on not to get bored that I am running out of options. I am just sitting, nothing else.

It is kinda foggy outside. I don not want to go out. I have been walking around this neighborhood so much that it is engraved into my mind. No more pleasant surprises anymore.

I do not know how to keep myself busy. I gotta calm down; it may help a little.

ok ok I have to keep my morale high.

Nov 27, 2006

Last Saturday

I received an e-mail last Saturday informing me that I did not get the job that I applied a couple of weeks ago and wholeheartedly made myself believe that I got it. I was infuriated. Conversely, it was a beautiful Saturday in the middle of November. The news ruined half of the day for which we made plans to enjoy the weekend.

I was cursing under my breath to the human resources agency for giving the bad news right before the weekend. It should have been given on Mondays. You don't give bad news on Fridays, it can wait until Monday or any other weekday. Let people enjoy the weekend God damn it. What kind of a human resources agency is it for God's sake?

Anyway, we canceled our planned Saturday, and went to a cafe to discuss the issue . My wife lifted up my spirit by being objective to the subject rather than approaching the situation emotionally. We decided to make smart moves and not to lose our hopes and focus to the bright future.

I was ok when Sunday arrived. We walked together with my wife and I have to say this; it was a very long walk. I started my Monday with a very positive mood and applied to two different positions. At least I dragged my ass to did that.

Other than that nothing is happening here. I listen to podcasts as Morning Stories happen to be my favorite one. I also watch lots of documentaries on BBC Prime. Well, I am hanging there.

Nov 23, 2006

New Yorker

Today I took a walk again after finishing up a few chores. I went out to buy the new yorker magazine. I really like that one. Plus I bought Newsweek. They will keep me occupied for a while.

I listened to Morning Stories on my way back home. I love those guys. Truly inspiring stories.

Weather is very good here. Today it feels like spring.

I saw a dog. I guess it belong to the couple I saw couple of meters back. He was just waiting them to finish their conversation with the other two passer-bys who were inquiring a store somewhere near where we all were. The dog looked at me as if he wanted to have a word with me. He did not move at all. He just stared and turned his attention back to his owners. He looked like he was growing inpatient. If I had waited a little longer, I swear to God I would have heard the dog yelling at them "Move your assess for God's sake, I am bored to death !!!"

Other than that I don't have any new news. Life is good so far.

Nov 21, 2006

Skipping

I skipped a day. Before I started this blog, I promised myself that I was going to post everyday. Anyway, no need to put an extra pressure on me. Right?

Nothing new is going on around here. I was out yesterday; found a way to keep myself busy.

We spent the money I was sparing for the fitness center. We spent it on a kitchen table. I am not that broke and kinda counting all the pennies lately. Instead of the fitness center, I can go out and walk.

Today, I feel ok. I just feel a little lazy. Other than that I am ok.

Life is short and full of pleasant and unpleasant surprises. I really do not make my life intentionally unpleasant. I am doing everything I can to make my life as pleasant as it gets. No matter what, there are more desperate conditions in which people are struggling to live in. Mine is minor compared to theirs.

Not much today from my side.

Nov 19, 2006

After the Weekend

I had a fabulous weekend. The weather was good to us. We went out, walked and enjoyed those two beautiful days.

I have not heard any "good news" from my prospective employers. As usual, on Mondays I don't particularly feel down. Let see what happens when Wednesday and Thursday arrive.

I guess I am gonna get a membership from a fitness center located in walking distance from where I live. I figured good physical condition may help boost my morale. I am very close to be a coach potato. To be a member, I gotta force myself to drag my ass there and get a membership. No, no I should not think about the process, otherwise I might get lazy and drop the idea once and for all.

Ok, I will stand up and find my gym bag and off I go.

----

It is getting dark here, closer to evening hours. There is something appealing during these evening hours. Specially during the winter, I like dark and gloomy weathers. I know it is not something on which everybody is agree, but I like it. When that time of the day arrives, I feel relaxed, more creative and happier for some reason. Well, isn't it a vampire-like life huh?

I am optimistic today. I took a walk, listened podcasts and read online newspaper. I did not overate today, that is a success 'cause sometimes I indulge myself by eating too much.

Still no words from my applications and there is no opening fitting my background. Life is good anyway.

Nov 17, 2006

Feeling sick

There you go. I feel sick today. My wife was weak last night due to tiredness I guess. Now I am dizzy and weak myself today. I slept all day long despite the medicine I took. I don't think they work.

It is typical me. Since the high school years, whenever I get stressed, I have these flu like symptoms. This is happening because I am so out of morale. I am paralyzing myself mostly unintentionally. Now, the only social interaction with the world is my wife. Not good for the soul huh?

I am happy that I helped my wife to get on her feet. She is better today. However, I really don't want to pull her down with my low morale. I am trying my best but cannot come up with a good solution for my own future.

She does not like her job. Every morning is a minor torture for her. She does not want to go to her office. We talked about setting up our own business this morning. We have ideas but I don't think we have the courage to move forward. I gotta talk to her tonight regarding any business enterprise opportunities.

Anyway, despite all these bothering improvements, weekend is here. I am gonna be alright starting from tonight as soon as my wife crosses the threshold of our door.

Nov 15, 2006

Thursday

Not bad today. I don't feel particularly down or up. I can say that my mood is "moderate" today.

It is sunny today. I will take a walk with my iPod; listening podcasts from WGBH's Morning Stories. They have truly uplifting stories. I like the way they deliver the stories. Before, I was listening Slate Magazine's podcasts. As a matter of fact, I started to dislike that monotone delivery albeit the fact that topics are/were very interesting. In the morning stories, you get to know variety of individuals' stories around the world. it is a great boost for my stalking soul.

Yesterday, my mother-in-law came over. Actually we invited her over 'cause she helped us to pick up few packages from the post office. Since we don't have a car, she was happy to help us; in so, she can spend some time with us. Anyway, she was with us last night. It was ok, but I still don't understand her when she keeps mentioning her dream relationship; we should spend more time together. Whenever we come together, she says the same thing over and over again. So, I ask myself, what is the point of getting together? Every time we see each other, it is not enough for her. She needs more and more. As a result, we spend our time whining about the future gatherings. That's kinda waste of time.

Weekend is approaching. My wife will be home all two uninterrupted days. that's great !!! I am trying to be constructive and hundred percent positive during the weekends. Otherwise, I miss the opportunity of being with her.

Nov 14, 2006

Cheer up

Well, today I woke up with a positive attitude. No no I did not get any good news regarding my applications. Just have a very good night sleep, thanks to my wife; long talks, good food and very good sex, of course I feel better today. :))

I have to go out. That's for sure. If I stay at home waiting my phone to ring, I feel like I am gonna lose my mind. Yesterday I made that mistake. Today, I am trowing myself out, no matter what.

I really enjoy listening podcasts. They keep me alive and connected to the world. I have a very limited interaction with the people lately. My social life is on the downhill. I have to admit though that I am not good at social interactions. I have this brutal habit of confronting people; damn me I cannot keep my mouth shut. I am sure that I bother the hell out of them a lot so they stop seeing me eventually. I cannot blame them. However, I cannot stand that fake, pretentious behaviors, so I confront.

I am a little bit dizzy today. I hope vitamins do the trick.

Waiting

I have been waiting to hear from the job applications I made. These days are really stressful days and hours for me. I started to feel depreciated. Actually, I am doing it to myself, as anyone can guess.

It is really hard to keep myself busy lately. To keep my mind occupied, I invent all sorts of errands and chores. When they are finished, I redo some of them to prolong the time-killing activity. Sometimes, I tire myself so much that I get exhausted.

I read books, magazines, take walks, go to shopping, to movies and everything but I cannot keep my mind away from the fact that I am jobless and there are no prospects on the horizon at all. I was so confident a couple of months ago that I would find a position in a matter of weeks, now, after months passed, I started to lose my confidence and got worried about this situation.

I decided to keep a diary of my jobless days in order not to lose my mind and self esteem. Otherwise, it is so lonely and self-damaging.

Today's one job-search related news would be a bad one. I received an e-mail informing me that someone else had been chosen for the position. As corny as it may sound, of course I thought that I was over qualified which makes me feel better rather than being considered to be under qualified piece of junk.