Insecurity

I am very insecure. I am afraid of almost everything. I am afraid of moving through life. I am afraid of doing new things, discovering new places and such. I am afraid of building new relations with people and sustaining those relations. I am not flexible because I am so rigid when it comes to evaluating myself and others. I am utterly afraid of life.

I have been accusing my father for a long long time due to his not being a supportive kinda dad - whose dad is like that anyway?-. However, since I am growing older and wiser let's say, I now see that he has been a coward himself too. This explains why he is always agitated and accusing others, criticizing them for nothing and not trusting anyone to the extend of Paranoia. Now, I find myself in the same shoes; sleepless nights, tense mornings, not letting go tinniest problems. Is it posiıble to turn things over? I really do not want to live like this, in a prison of my own. I guess it is like Paul Auster's Music of Chance where one character was brave enough to escape from building walls around themselves, while the other one was happy to finish the job and to stay in whatever was provided for him. I am like that second man lately.

I stay away from social relationships, although I am a funny and talkative guy. Because, as soon as I make a connection with someone I start thinking how that person is seeing me, judging me and pointing out my short comings. Although this is not true, I prolong that conversation in my mind and destroy the relationship along with my peace of mind. What is left afterwards? Nothing. Sleepless nights and tense days.

I am so busy with these crap that takes me away from living my own life happily. I cannot focus on what I like. I am also afraid of doing stupid things which leads me to do stupid things eventually. I know that I have a life ahead of me. However, something is holding me back. I hate that feeling. I remember when I was in primary school, I must have been around 8 or 9, I had this strange feeling that someone was hiding under a table, or behind a door, who grabbed my ankle as I walked by and hold me there from moving forward. That was a horrible feeling. I was literally able to see that guy waiting to grab me. Now, I have this strange vision in which a man is waiting for me with a rifle who is about the shoot me. I have to tell, I don't have enemies at all. But this odd picture keeps appearing in my mind; a guy with a shotgun. Is this a fear of death? A fear from life? What is it?

I lost my mom six years ago and before that my grandfather whom I loved deeply. Without those two I feel like İ don't have a family left at all. My father was out of the picture long ago. I still have my aunt and grandmother but they are so immersed into their life that we don't have anything common left connecting each other. When we got together the last time, the only stories they shared with each other were the ones about my cousin. Before, my grandfather or my mom was talking about me. Now they are gone and I have no ties with my family. I confronted them. However, the worst possible thing happened and I saw what they truly think of me; just an outcast.

I cannot relate to anyone or anything right now. None of my friends have gone through yet what I went through. So, obviously, they cannot share or even understand what it is like to be in this situation. Whatever is happening in this life always happened to me earlier than it should be. I saw divorces way earlier, deaths way earlier, and seeing that I have no family left way earlier. The only family I have is my wife. Although I am trying to be extra careful not to put too much pressure on my wife, it is true that sometimes I ask too much from her. But I am learning. I am getting there. I am teaching myself not be afraid of every god damn thing around me. I am looking forward, not backward. However, Rome was not built in one day; one what I am yearning to accomplish is not going to take place overnight.

I need to find a good job with enthusiastic people. I am sure that social environment will do me a good. I hope I will find one in the new year.